Take Me Honey, I’m Yours!

“Huh? Were you talking to me? Sorry babe…I have to finish putting weather strip on the outdoor fire pit.” My husband replied.

“But…honey! I’m wearing my high heels!” I cried.

“What? Oh…yeah, those. Um…do you think you could put them back on in an hour?”

“Yeah…fine, sure I will. If I don’t throw them at your head first.” I mumbled.

“What was that babe?”

“Nothing…never mind.” And I went into the family room to finish watching the Amish-a-thon on the Discovery channel.

You’d think that after 17 years of marriage, 6 kids, 5 dogs, 59 goldfish and 1 cat that Mr. Madhouse and myself would have thrown in the towel a long time ago and gave up on the idea of a little hanky panky.

And you’d be right. Mostly…

First of all, by our 1st anniversary I was finally able to come to grips with the fact that my husband was not, nor would he ever be Sam Elliot. He’d never ride on a Harely, offer me a ride and say, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.”

The closest I ever got to that fantasy was when my husband took our daughter for a ride around the block on his uncle’s moped. (Ciao)

And once I was able to deal with that loss, things improved between us.

No wait…it was another year before we were really happily married because my husband still held out hope that I would, one day, dress up like cat woman and meet him at work for lunch.

Yeah…like that’ll happen twice. Ever worn a head to toe, leather, cat woman costume in Phoenix in July when it’s 118 degrees outside?

*Tip, leather sticks when you sweat*

So, in order to keep romance alive, I devised a plan to engage in adult stimuli.

Last Friday I called our babysitter, (son #2) texted my husband and told him to meet me at the restaurant where we had our first date by 5pm. When he asked me what I was up to, I replied, “That’s for me to know and you to find out, Big Boy.”

I put on my sexiest dress, curled my hair, painted my face and went so far as to spritz myself with some Chanel #5 I had left over from Christmas of 2003. I drove to Steve’s Shrimp Palace where we had our first date 5 minutes early, grabbed a booth and waited.

And waited…and waited.

By 6pm I texted my husband again and asked where he was. He replied, “I’m at IHOP. Where the hale are you?”

“Ugh! That was not our first date!” I texted back. “That’s the first place we ate at together! See the difference? Forget it, meet me at home for a turkey pot pie.”

But, I was not ready to give up that evening.

After the kids were in bed, the dishes were done and the underwear was folded, I sat next to my husband on the family room couch, leaned in close and whispered, “So…wanna get lucky?”

“Hey!” He exclaimed. “That tickles! What were you saying?”

“I said, do you feel lucky?”

He got off the couch and said, “I forgot to check the lotto! Babe, bring me the laptop so I can see if I’m the next millionaire.”

Thus went my plans for being ravaged on the furniture. But let’s try this one more time…

We settled into bed, I scooted closer to my husband, rubbed up against his back, played a little footsie and waited.

“What’s that?” My husband whispered. “What’s what?” I asked.

“That movement on my feet! Are one of the kids sneaking in here?” “No, it’s not the kids…” I answered.

“Is that the dog licking my toes?” “No honey…it’s not the dog.” I whispered seductively.

“Damn! It’s that cat chewing my feet!.” He said “It’s not the cat either.” I whispered to him.

My husband went completely still for 10 seconds, jumped out of bed, ran to my dresser, pulled out my wool socks and said, “Babe, your feet are freezing! Good night.”

I got up, went to the living room, sat on the floor and watched Mask and Roadhouse. He slept in until 9am the next morning…

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82 thoughts on “Take Me Honey, I’m Yours!

  1. Welll…. Coming from the opposite side of the gender gap I can only say – SRSLY? Sounds like Mr Madhouse might need a tune-up if he didn’t figure it out by the ‘putting on wool socks’ point. Better luck next time…..

    • I know, right?! Duh…take me honey! I’m yours! (It only takes a few minutes in between errands and laundry!)

  2. OMG Sharon that’s priceless!!!! I have to admit that as being part of the male species, we are… how you say… Dense. I’ve become more in tune with my wife but there are still some times where she just has to attack me to get the point across.

    I have to laugh even harder because the street goes both ways as I’ve done my best to be Sam Elliot.. however I’ll never get his voice style down. My Sam Elliot was doing the dishes, vacuuming the house, doing all the laundry, and making the bed. I guess those things are fore play for married folk LOL

  3. Your good humor and persistence are both wonderful traits in a long, happy marriage. (Add in a terrible memory and you have the marriage Golden Ticket!) Enjoyed the read entirely – nodding and chuckling along with you. Well done!

  4. Im sorry but I am cracking up here.. Sometimes they are clueless you really just have to come right out and say it.. Give them direct orders and take care of business.. lmao very funny story.

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