“Huh? Were you talking to me? Sorry babe…I have to finish putting weather strip on the outdoor fire pit.” My husband replied.
“But…honey! I’m wearing my high heels!” I cried.
“What? Oh…yeah, those. Um…do you think you could put them back on in an hour?”
“Yeah…fine, sure I will. If I don’t throw them at your head first.” I mumbled.
“What was that babe?”
“Nothing…never mind.” And I went into the family room to finish watching the Amish-a-thon on the Discovery channel.
You’d think that after 17 years of marriage, 6 kids, 5 dogs, 59 goldfish and 1 cat that Mr. Madhouse and myself would have thrown in the towel a long time ago and gave up on the idea of a little hanky panky.
And you’d be right. Mostly…
First of all, by our 1st anniversary I was finally able to come to grips with the fact that my husband was not, nor would he ever be Sam Elliot. He’d never ride on a Harely, offer me a ride and say, “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.”
The closest I ever got to that fantasy was when my husband took our daughter for a ride around the block on his uncle’s moped. (Ciao)
And once I was able to deal with that loss, things improved between us.
No wait…it was another year before we were really happily married because my husband still held out hope that I would, one day, dress up like cat woman and meet him at work for lunch.
Yeah…like that’ll happen twice. Ever worn a head to toe, leather, cat woman costume in Phoenix in July w
hen it’s 118 degrees outside?
*Tip, leather sticks when you sweat*
So, in order to keep romance alive, I devised a plan to engage in adult stimuli.
Last Friday I called our babysitter, (son #2) texted my husband and told him to meet me at the restaurant where we had our first date by 5pm. When he asked me what I was up to, I replied, “That’s for me to know and you to find out, Big Boy.”
I put on my sexiest dress, curled my hair, painted my face and went so far as to spritz myself with some Chanel #5 I had left over from Christmas of 2003. I drove to Steve’s Shrimp Palace where we had our first date 5 minutes early, grabbed a booth and waited.
And waited…and waited.
By 6pm I texted my husband again and asked where he was. He replied, “I’m at IHOP. Where the hale are you?”
“Ugh! That was not our first date!” I texted back. “That’s the first place we ate at together! See the difference? Forget it, meet me at home for a turkey pot
pie.”
But, I was not ready to give up that evening.
After the kids were in bed, the dishes were done and the underwear was folded, I sat next to my husband on the family room couch, leaned in close and whispered, “So…wanna get lucky?”
“Hey!” He exclaimed. “That tickles! What were you saying?”
“I said, do you feel lucky?”
He got off the couch and said, “I forgot to check the lotto! Babe, bring me the laptop so I can see if I’m the next millionaire.”
Thus went my plans for being ravaged on the furniture. But let’s try this one more time…
We settled into bed, I scooted closer to my husband, rubbed up against his back, played a little footsie and waited.
“What’s that?” My husband whispered. “What’s what?” I asked.
“That movement on my feet! Are one of the kids sneaking in here?” “No, it’s not the kids…” I answered.
“Is that the do
g licking my toes?” “No honey…it’s not the dog.” I whispered seductively.
“Damn! It’s that cat chewing my feet!.” He said “It’s not the cat either.” I whispered to him.
My husband went completely still for 10 seconds, jumped out of bed, ran to my dresser, pulled out my wool socks and said, “Babe, your feet are freezing! Good night.”
I got up, went to the living room, sat on the floor and watched Mask and Roadhouse. He slept in until 9am the next morning…
Very funny!!!! I wonder if meeting my DH at taco bell (our regular dating spot — college students you know) would lead to cold feet and woolen socks or something else
Try it!
LOL. I’m laughing, but at the same time I’m wishing you better luck next time.
It’s Friday the 13th! I’m sure it’s gonna be great!
LOL, yes isn’t that just the way it goes!!
Happy Friday the 13th 
Uh huh
I am surprised you have the energy with that many kids ! Keep trying, he may eventually get the idea. Good luck.
LOL…Oh, it’s all good
This image comes to mind…
http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2dpe0QTZJ1qzx9s8o1_500.jpg
That was funny!!!!!
6 kids isn’t enough for you?! Just kidding. I know you are looking for sympathy but it seems you still have some kind of spark between you two, whatever that may be
Oh yeah, there’s sparks
Sharon, I don’t think I’m ever going to forget this story. Ever. And I guess you’re in the grocery now, hope to see you later!
Yup…shopping in my heels, fingers crossed
Welll…. Coming from the opposite side of the gender gap I can only say – SRSLY? Sounds like Mr Madhouse might need a tune-up if he didn’t figure it out by the ‘putting on wool socks’ point. Better luck next time…..
It’s date night!
This is hilarious! I wish I had that problem, my husband wants to get lucky all the time. Me? I ususally have a headache
Ya know, hanky panky actually helps with headaches
Very amusing. Men often do not clue in to emotional cues as your story so brilliantly exemplifies with a great amount of humor. It was a great read.
I’m glad you “got” the joke Candace
Well they say getting there is half the fun—you guys must REALLY have a blast when IT happens =)
Oh yeah…the ground shakes and the Heavens weep
Sharon, I am laughing my arse off. This was great. Men.
Good…that makes me smile
we aren’t always attuned. At least he got socks for you
Yes, at least he knew where my socks were
Too many kids, too many dogs and cat. He just feel tired.
Yup
You always crack me up! So true and so sad that we old married folks have to jump through hoops to find time for hanky panky.
I know, right?! Duh…take me honey! I’m yours! (It only takes a few minutes in between errands and laundry!)
OMG Sharon that’s priceless!!!! I have to admit that as being part of the male species, we are… how you say… Dense. I’ve become more in tune with my wife but there are still some times where she just has to attack me to get the point across.
I have to laugh even harder because the street goes both ways as I’ve done my best to be Sam Elliot.. however I’ll never get his voice style down. My Sam Elliot was doing the dishes, vacuuming the house, doing all the laundry, and making the bed. I guess those things are fore play for married folk LOL
DUDE! Dishes and bed making are sooooo….freaking….HOT!!!!
I think that you should use the trick involving fish from a several posts ago.
That is so funny Ron! Maybe I will
Hmmmm! Sometimes we aren’t good at picking up clues.
I know *sigh* I won’t give up!
I give you so much credit. I only have 2 and I can barely muster the energy to climb back into bed let alone any thing else lately!
Eh, just crash on the floor. When you’re that tired wherever you lay is the most comfortable place there is!
Good luck with date night. I have been divorced for many years and exploring match.com but lately been in match overload.
Fingers crossed for ya Bonnie!
That is too funny, Sharon. With that libido, I’m surprised you have six kids! Get a clue, hubby! ; )
We should have 15…
Too funny, my dear…and far too familiar! I’m telling you, we lead such identical lives. Here’s to hoping you get lucky soon!
Tonight is my night!!!!!
THis is hilarious!
New follower.
Blessings,
Marcia
Yay! Thanks! Luvn my newbies
This is funny, but scary. Makes me happy to be a single girl. Sending you good vibes in the hopes that you will get some soon!
Oh yeah, I am
Take your brightest lipstick Darling… and write on his mirror… “My lips on you at 8″… see if that works. xoxo
Aha! The master speaks!! I shall take your advise!
Your husband slept until 9? He did get lucky.
Dana! You did not just say that! I’m so telling your wife!
We never wake up before 9 around here. lol
That’s a total joke, right? You’ve got 5 so I’m betting you’re up before 8am like us
well, ya can’t say you didn’t try…
*takes a bow*
This is a great post! Sad but so true.
Thank you
Your good humor and persistence are both wonderful traits in a long, happy marriage. (Add in a terrible memory and you have the marriage Golden Ticket!) Enjoyed the read entirely – nodding and chuckling along with you. Well done!
Yay! Golden ticket time!
Look on the bright side, he went to get you socks so your feet would get warm. Many men wouldn’t even pick up on that!
He is a true wonder
LOL! I always get a laugh from your blog. I love that high heals are your signal
Good for you 6 kids later!!!
Leigh @oneandoneequalstwinfun.com
Thank you Leigh
LoL… so funny. Men!!
You said it…dude!
I guess I’m quite thankful I’m divorced
How about Mrs. Incredible’s costume, for a change? I hear it comes in comfy and breathable cotton, and it’s still sexy.
You’re sexy and you know it!
Sometimes we have to come right out and say what we are thinking, I know I am wasting my time if I am droppin hints. I am guessing he wasn’t the next millionaire either.
Nope…we’re still working for every weekend
As funny as the whole story was, its the cat suit that got me. Hilarious!
*wink*
You are something else..Too Funny!!
Liked that?
Im sorry but I am cracking up here.. Sometimes they are clueless you really just have to come right out and say it.. Give them direct orders and take care of business.. lmao very funny story.
Exactly!
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LOL!! Ok let’s rethink this perhaps next time put a large sign on your forehead that states your intentions. He can’t miss that right?
Jennifer
http://www.practicallyperfectprincess.com/
One can only hope
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