Sharing Moms Outhouse Updates…I Mean…Sharon Moms Madhouse Updates #FunnyStatusUpdates

fun mom not soberI’ve been out of it lately…nothing major, mind you…just “End of the world” type thoughts running through my mind.
I’ll be fine.
Okay, I exaggerated.
It’s just real life getting in the way and keeping me too busy to blog, so in order to try to convince myself that I still have something of value to say, it’s that time, once again, to share my status updates for the past few months.

I hope my New Year’s Resolution to only say nice things about people isn’t misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

Fitness Update: Broke a sweat after carrying 12 empty decoration boxes from the garage to the living room.

Due to all of the paranormal movies showing possessed kids, I now have to curb the urge to throw Holy Water at my kids whenever they wake me up in the middle of the night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAD A NIGHTMARE, TINY SATAN!

My 4th grader showed me the “A” on the homework I did for him. I mean helped him with…  😉

Today is the 9,790th day since I became an adult. This is also how many days I’ve woken up and calculated how many hours until bedtime.

Dr. office waiting room minutes are longer than other minutes…

I know I said I’m always here for you, but what I really meant was I’m tired so can we wjudgementalrap this up?

Ever start to tell your kids a story from your youth to make a point and then realize you have to change the story since what you did was totally illegal or immoral? *Asking for a friend*

7 year old: Did you know a horse can fit in a blue whales fart bubble?
Me: What are you watching?!?
Her: The Learning Channel
Me: Hello. Direct TV? I need to cancel some channels

After 20 minutes pretending to eat cookies and drink tea, I’m thinking my daughter and her dolls are clueless and this whole tea party thing is a sham

Daughter: “Mommy, mommy! I smashed my toe and it’s bleeding!”
Me: “Oh honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?”
Daughter: *sniffling* “A burrito might help”

X-box live…the single, dumbest thing I’ve said yes to. Next to natural child birth.

The oldestawesome moved back in so we cleaned places I haven’t seen in years and I inhaled something so ripe that several of my past lives flashed before me. I think I’m the real Zodiac and I may have killed Jimmy Hoffa…

Lies I tell online:
~ I’m sorry I offended you
~ Wouldn’t life be boring if we all agreed?
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

I hate life altering decisions so early in the day. Like right now…should I eat the bland yolkless eggs, or this hostess cherry pie?

75% of the entries on my bucket list, in some way, involve Sam and Dean Winchester

Seriously…who prescribes “regular strength” ANYTHING?! “Yeah, treat me with your mediocre, middle-of-the-road-garbage…I’d love this pain to just L-I-N-G-E-R.”

I heard a song that reminded me of a time some guy broke my heart. Then I youtubed it and listened to it six more times because God forbid I miss any chance to walk down the memory lane of heartache

Disappointed to see that the new high tech DVR I just got doesn’t even have a digital clock. That right there is bull crap, DirectTV
 wont forget oven if its never on
Son #3: Mom…what’s a chicken pot pie taste like?
Me: I don’t know how to explain it…
Son #3: Try…
Me: Um…like chicken?
Son #3: I don’t feel like chicken…What’s a turkey pot pie taste like?
May 13 ·

Husband: Why are you painting your toenails at 10pm?
Me: Cuz I have a doctors appointment at 10am.
H: You’re about to wear a paper towel and lay on a table for a person wearing scrubs and carrying metal objects in their pockets and you’re worried about your toenails?
Me: Yes…and every woman on the planet does it, so stop judging me

What happens when I drop ice on the floor:
1. Pick it up…2% of the time
2. Pretend I don’t see it…3% of the time
3. Kick it under the fridge…95% of the time

Went to the eye doctor for some vision problems. His diagnosis? “You’re old, this is how your eyes work now, stop crying and pick a pair of frames…”

Saying “Bye, it was good to see you” in the store really means, “I’m going to shop really fast now and all problems menpretend not to see you in every aisle.”

*Hugging daughter after she fell…* “There, there, sweetie,”
*Daughter still crying*
“Did you just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Get over it, already!”

Me: I wish you wouldn’t do that
Husband: Do what? I’m just looking at you while I speak and breathe
Me: Yeah, that…

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg
Liked this post? Please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed

122 thoughts on “Sharing Moms Outhouse Updates…I Mean…Sharon Moms Madhouse Updates #FunnyStatusUpdates

  1. Sharon my love, I know you’ve gone through a lot lately, but nice to read about your sense of humor. Read this as soon as I woke up and I think I’m going to have a good day. My coffee nearly came out of my nose from laughing. Starting with the “A” you got! lol! You’re so crazy, silly, and lovely.

    • Lexie my love, you know that I love you more than I love my dentist and I miss our chitty chats. If nothing else, I’m pleased that I could “almost” make you blow coffee from your nose 😉

  2. I can’t use a single story from my teen years to make a point to my son! Also, my new “high tech” DVR doesn’t have a clock either! I now stay up til 3AM binging on Netflix because I have no idea what time it is in my living room.

    • ROFL!!!! Nikki, I stay up until almost 3am myself! God forbid I check my watch, wall clock, stove clock, microwave clock or my cell! “D

  3. Great post. Loved reading this. I have to admit, I never paint my toenails (or fingernails), but I don’t worry about that at the doctor’s anyway. I keep my socks on.

  4. We share the same sense of humor…..we could be friends! Im sure i will have the same issue when I have kids where I will have to change the story since what I did was immoral

  5. “A burrito might help”–could so hear that coming out of my daughter mouth too LOL
    for me it’s “kick it under the fridge 100% of the time” I think we have a small lake under there now =D

    I hope “real life” doesn’t keep you away too long – your post always lift my spirits!

  6. Right there with you on the ice thing! LOL!! 99% of the time my dog gets it and when she’s through with it I just kick it under the fridge. HAHAHA

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *