I’m not stupid ya know. I’m completely aware that there ain’t no jell-o mold or a plate of Pillsbury cookies ala touch of Hershey’s chocolate on the other side of my door.
And since none of my knocking neighbors are offering me a snack, I ain’t answering.
Not too long ago my husband had to come up with a list and pin it to our front door of who can knock on our door and who can’t.
Because your average American doesn’t understand, “No Soliciting.” And I’m a sucker.
We had a door to door salesman selling carpet cleaning products who, when shown our no soliciting policy nailed to our door said, “But ma’am, I figured after you saw how well this cleaner works you’d be happy that I knocked on your door.”
Yeah, I was so happy that I took his liquid in jar, gave him $10 and let the kids play catch with it.
We also had a group of, “I’m a product of public school” 20 something’s show up selling magazines who actually said, “Hi! Saw your sign but we just need 4 more subscriptions to earn a college scholarship. Wanna help out?”
Yeah, they always need 4 more subscriptions.
So I bought their #2 pencil and told them to beat it.
Then there was that guy who always needs to sell that extra meat he just happens to have.
His sales pitch was so cliche, he may as well have asked, “What’s a girl like you doing in a madhouse like this?”
So when I showed meat man the, “No Soliciting” sign on my door, he looked at me and asked, “What’s soliciting?”
And I ended up with $60 worth of meat in my freezer.
I was starting to get frustrated the last time the Jehovah witnesses showed up and ignored our sign.
I didn’t even say a word when I opened the door. I just leaned over, pointed to the sign and started to close the door when they said, “Uh, we’re not selling anything. We just want to give you this issue of the Watchtower and ask if you’ve found Jesus yet.”
I looked them up and down and stated, “Well, you may not think selling your religion is soliciting, but to answer your question, yes…yes I have. Would you like to come in and finish praying the Rosary with me?”
You never saw two granny’s in comfortable pumps run so fast…
Sadly, I am a sucker for kids selling salt water taffy at ridiculous prices.
I always end up paying $20 for a tin of candy that would cost me a buck at the dollar store.
I don’t care if they’re from an orphanage, a pop warner football team or raising money for their parents mortgage. Their taffy is worth my mad money.
And my husband is getting a little bit testy about it.
I also have 6 kids who climb all over each other and end up breaking bones and living room furniture just to see if the latest knock on the door is the mailman with a special delivery from an obscure relative leaving us their Publishers Clearing house winnings.
So, in order to save money on candy and leg casts, my husband created a new sign in red neon lights that reads:
If you touch this doorbell or knock on this door you better be, A. Selling candy, B. Offering to trim my trees or C. A talk show tv producer telling me some random Jane Doe wants to thank me for making her life worth living, and that I now have an all expense paid trip to beautiful Burbank California.
“If you’re over 4 feet 10 and you’re not wearing a football helmet, a girl scout uniform or holding an over sized check for a million dollars, you better step off or you’re about to be greeted by a home owner with an attitude and a gun.”
There hasn’t been a random knock in 7 weeks…
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