Like A Good Neighbor, Get Off Moms Porch…

This is 2012, not 1954.

I’m not stupid ya know. I’m completely aware that there ain’t no jell-o mold or a plate of Pillsbury cookies ala touch of Hershey’s chocolate on the other side of my door.

And since none of my knocking neighbors are offering me a snack, I ain’t answering.

Not too long ago my husband had to come up with a list and pin it to our front door of who can knock on our door and who can’t.

Why?

Because your average American doesn’t understand, “No Soliciting.” And I’m a sucker.

Example?

We had a door to door salesman selling carpet cleaning products who, when shown our no soliciting policy nailed to our door said, “But ma’am, I figured after you saw how well this cleaner works you’d be happy that I knocked on your door.”

Yeah, I was so happy that I took his liquid in jar, gave him $10 and let the kids play catch with it.

We also had a group of, “I’m a product of public school” 20 something’s show up selling magazines who actually said, “Hi! Saw your sign but we just need 4 more subscriptions to earn a college scholarship. Wanna help out?”

Yeah, they always need 4 more subscriptions.

So I bought their #2 pencil and told them to beat it.

Then there was that guy who always needs to sell that extra meat he just happens to have.

Ya know, the guy who always sold some meat to my neighbor, and they always have extra that they’re selling at a huge discount to avoid getting into trouble with their boss?

His sales pitch was so cliche, he may as well have asked, “What’s a girl like you doing in a madhouse like this?”

So when I showed meat man the, “No Soliciting” sign on my door, he looked at me and asked, “What’s soliciting?”

And I ended up with $60 worth of meat in my freezer.

I was starting to get frustrated the last time the Jehovah witnesses showed up and ignored our sign.

I didn’t even say a word when I opened the door. I just leaned over, pointed to the sign and started to close the door when they said, “Uh, we’re not selling anything. We just want to give you this issue of the Watchtower and ask if you’ve found Jesus yet.”

I looked them up and down and stated, “Well, you may not think selling your religion is soliciting, but to answer your question, yes…yes I have. Would you like to come in and finish praying the Rosary with me?”

You never saw two granny’s in comfortable pumps run so fast…

Sadly, I am a sucker for kids selling salt water taffy at ridiculous prices.

I always end up paying $20 for a tin of candy that would cost me a buck at the dollar store.

I don’t care if they’re from an orphanage, a pop warner football team or raising money for their parents mortgage. Their taffy is worth my mad money.

And my husband is getting a little bit testy about it.

I also have 6 kids who climb all over each other and end up breaking bones and living room furniture just to see if the latest knock on the door is the mailman with a special delivery from an obscure relative leaving us their Publishers Clearing house winnings.

So, in order to save money on candy and leg casts, my husband created a new sign in red neon lights that reads:

If you touch this doorbell or knock on this door you better be, A. Selling candy, B. Offering to trim my trees or C. A talk show tv producer telling me some random Jane Doe wants to thank me for making her life worth living, and that I now have an all expense paid trip to beautiful Burbank California.

“If you’re over 4 feet 10 and you’re not wearing a football helmet, a girl scout uniform or holding an over sized check for a million dollars, you better step off or you’re about to be greeted by a home owner with an attitude and a gun.”

There hasn’t been a random knock in 7 weeks…
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80 thoughts on “Like A Good Neighbor, Get Off Moms Porch…

  1. Wouldn’t it just be easier to just not answer the door ? I don’t see too many people go door to door anymore, just kids, with overpriced candy. At least your sign is working so that’s good =)

  2. So funny that we’ve experienced the same thing at our place. We don’t have a “No Solicitors” sign, but should invest in one! We don’t see many Girl Scouts come by as they hang out in front of grocery stores now! Thanks for the post!

  3. Great Post! But it all depends on situations and circumstances at that moment, you have to be ready for all odds!

  4. Haha don’t forget the Kirby vacuum sales guy! OMGOSH those people are crazy! Sent a lady to our door late one night (8pm) saying she needed help with something, then when my husband said sure you can clean something for us (I don’t remember exactly what it was for) she “goes to her car to get her stuff” and up comes a Kirby Sales guy. Bursts in the door and tries to sell us a $1400 vacuum. He stays till 1030!! My husband was ready to call the police the nerve of the guy. They used a nice lady to “get into the door”.

    Although girl scouts are so welcome. ;) haha

  5. Oh my, I too am a sucker for the pitiful door to door sales types.

    Glad to know I’m in good company.

    Awesome post!!! :)

  6. You too Darling?? That darn meat guy got me for 300 bucks, Jehovah’s witnesses are now on a Do Not come to my house list, I STILL have Girl Scout cookies in the drawer and now that I think about it, I bought that vacuum cleaner too! lol xoxo

  7. I feel like you were channeling me when you wrote this post…except that I always tell the meat guy that we are vegetarians (we’re not).

    The “no soliciting” sign doesn’t work, but asking to see their required city permit usually does. :-) I’m seriously considering putting up a sign that says “Day Sleeper- do NOT disturb!” to cut down on the random visitors…I already have satellite service (your company, actually!), I have a teen to mow my grass and if I had the money to have my house repainted I would have already called you!

  8. Our standard reply to whatever they are trying to dispense is ‘Thanks, but no’. Some of these folks are pushy to the point of rudeness and since I’ve spent years in sales that irritates me to the point of simply shutting the door on them.

    My sister-in-law has, in addition to the widely ignored ‘No Soliciting’ sign, a door mat that reads – “We love our Vacuum, We found God, We gave at the office”

    The only exception we make to the ‘not buying things from door-to-door sales types’ is if it is a neighbors child. And I mean a NEIGHBOR like “I can see your house from my porch”

  9. There is a “No Soliciting” sign posted at both entrances to our apartment complex. We still get people trying to sell us magazines, though the religious solicitations are all but non-existent. I’d be angrier when the kids knock and try to sell magazines, but most of them look dim-witted enough that I’m willing to believe that they never learned the definition of “soliciting” in school. Of course, that’s hardly likely to convince me to invest in their magazines and send them to Tahiti…

  10. We get all of those here, too. The most annoying was the cleaning products guy. “Is your mother home?” *winky face* “Mister, I got 5 kids before 30 and your creepy flattery is not gonna make me buy your crap.” Yet he continues with his spiel and not wanting to slam the door in his face, I try to get a word in. “Ma’am, what do you currently use to clean your house?” I interrupt the rest of his speech with “I hire cleaners.” He retorts “Oh but with this, you wouldn’t have to.” and I reply “I don’t HAVE to now. I choose to. They do a great job.”

    Now trying to close the door in his face, he busts out his magical cleaner and starts talking about “Don’t you hate those kid fingerprints all over the windows?” No… my children don’t wipe their hands on the windows. Next time if you really want to sell me something, try not insulting me with stereotypical assumptions right from the start.

    lol I never buy anything from door-to-door people, children included.

  11. I used to be a sucker, too and then I was like “Wait, kids aren’t supposed to sell door to door in my city. Why are their parents letting them break the law?” So now I open the door and go “Where is your mama? Don’t you know I could be a serial killer?” The little ones run away and the older ones usually give me a strange look and back away slowly.

    I do, however, buy Girl Scout cookies and stuff like that from kids outside the shopping centers and other public places. :p

  12. Lol nice! I’m a total sucker for Girl Scout cookies… One time I bought more after I has just bought a few boxes from the girl before her. Money well spent I say… it was a sign that I did not buy enough the first time… Also.. What is up with the rando peeps selling meat? That happened to us once too… GROSS

  13. When ever someone tries to cold cold me I start off like this, I have been in sales for 30 years(true) and there is not one line you have that I have not used on someone else, but please go right ahead.

  14. We get the meat guy, the Mormons instead of the Witnesses, and the college kids selling crap all the time. I’ve perfected the “Let me stop you right there. No thanks and don’t come back,” followed by an immediate door closing. It was hard at first, but all the time I’ve saved since mastering the the Shut Up and Shut Door Technique (Patent Pending) were more than worth the discomfort of possibly hurting some salesperson’s feelings.

  15. well I know someone a lady who Actually Got a Shot Gun out and aimed at a National Mutual Insurance Sale man in a little country Town in South Australia the salesman name was John, cannot remember his last name been retired now for 15 years he has. That lady said “if you don’t leave now, you will be leaving in a bag! John eventually got the warning. he was a sales person who would not leave until you gave he. That day he gave in. I believe it was the only one day he did give in!

  16. OMG I needed this today! I’m seriously about to write a post about how I have managers that make a colonoscopy, labotomy, and vasectomy (all at the same time) seem more pleasant than dealing with them for a day. Thank you!!!

  17. Have been in sales most of my adult life. Door to door is not on my list of accomplishments, however, have built a modest home remodeling business by leaving flyers in in the screen door handle. Don’t waste my time leaving them with people who say no solicitation, however have upon occasion noticed the sign too late.

    Sales is a noble profession, if the sales person is one who cherishes integrity, honesty, and direct communications and concern for the need of the customer first and foremost.

    There is NOTHING in this world, education included, that moves without a sales person! Prove me wrong.

    Not a fan of door to door sales people, but always give them credit for taking the initiative and having the GUTS to actually knock on a strangers door and actually sell something COLD.

    Much better than standing in line, down a the county welfare office, with an entitlement attitude, ‘give me my money.’

    With empathy for their effort to make a living, one of the hardest ways ever, a no thank you and God Bless you, hope you make a sale today, just not here would suffice for my response.

  18. Our doorbell has been broken for over a year and I’ve found no reason to fix it. We can’t hear the knock from the second story where we live so in the rare occasion that someone comes by unexpectedly that we know (which maybe happens once a year), they text us saying, “I’m downstairs!” and we come to let them in. I can’t think of anyone other than our landlord who would drop by unannounced who I’d need to talk to. The UPS guys just dump packages on our porch, they have never asked for a signature. Other than that? I can’t think of anyone.

  19. ps

    Too, raised 6 kids through very hard times, profound failure and tremendous success, in sales, it’s the one profession where if you are committed where you can write your own ‘ticket,’ as they say.

    Don’t forget, there’s a bit of the ‘knock on the door’ for our EAv missions too, nes’t pas?

    Much love
    cp

  20. LOL what you said to the Tower Ladies, Had them knock a couple of days ago, when I was young I would get the bible out and hammer them, now I am just nice, I suppose I became religious fruit instead of a religious nut!

  21. This is me! I disconnected the doorbell & people still knock. I have no idea why they stay once they hear the ferocious dog barking behind the door. Considering a sign that says something like INVITED GUESTS ONLY! DO NOT KNOCK since no one seems to understand the word Solicitor

  22. The same people who complain about people being on welfare are usually the same idiots who complain about salesmen. These people are dfoing a job, do you really think they like going house to house selling things, and to top that off, they have to deal with rude snobby people when these people are just trying to make a living. LOL Loading a shotgun, what a message….and u raise your children in your home??? Sounds to me I would love to see this on the news, Wheres cps when ya need them. And ya sit your ass home all day, bet these people whom are working their asses off are paying for your medical, rent and everything else. What nerve!

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