Isn’t Being A Mom Romantic?

“WHAT?! Are you high?” I asked with that whole, Deer in the toilet bowl look…

This question brought to me at 7:30 am…

Right after an argument with my 6 year old over why the old woman swallowed a fly.

The evil culprit?

A pregnant newlywed at the grocery store.

Jolly Jill approached me as I was sifting through the custom candy and Hershey’s chocolate bunnies to engage in a verbal back and forth.

Ugh…Why me?

Was it my charming way of shoving a granny with my shopping cart so I could get the last bag of cat food?

Maybe it was my sparkling personality shining through when I told a 3 year boy with a cap gun that I was gonna put a cap in his…well, you know what, if he didn’t point that thing at his own mother.

Honestly, I’m not sure what it was about me having my rear end up in the air while I choose my Easter grass and my daughter shouted, “Candy!” that had Happy Harriet deciding I was a good candidate for conversation.

Because anyone with 2 functioning brain cells should be able to tell just by looking at my attire that the last thing I find about being a mom is romance.

Everything I was wearing screamed, “I’ve been awake since 5am cleaning hair balls and my sons just told me they need candy for school by 8am. There’s no way I’m getting dressed up or wearing make-up for this.”

So I just looked up at my enemy, nodded, smiled and went back to squeezing the pink peeps.

Was brilliant Belinda quick to catch the dismissal?

Nope…

“My husband and I have been married for 11 1/2 months after having dated in college,” she told me as I started re-weaving Easter baskets.

“No! Get outta here,” I muttered.

“No…really. Where did you meet your husband?” She asked while she rubbed her Buddha belly.

“In the women’s correctional facility for the criminally insane.”

REALLY” she squealed. “No, in college” I said, trying to get the jelly beans out of the 4 year old’s mouth.

“Wow! Like us” she exclaimed.

“So you said.”

“When my Johnny found out we were expecting he named a star after me. Isn’t that amazing? How many kids do you have?”

“Six” I replied scrapping peanuts off lil’ Missy’s chin.

“SIX?!” Oh I want 10 kids just like my husband. What did your husband give you when you got pregnant?”

“A watch, a 20 year calendar and the link to Russia’s illegal prozac website” I answered trying to re-wrap the snickers bar my daughter was eating.

“Oh…you’re so funny!” She laughed.

“Yeah…you should see me when I’m in a bad mood.”

“Can I ask you something since you’re older and wiser?”

“Older than what?” I asked.

“Maybe you could give me an idea for an anniversary gift to ask for for myself” she said while my jaw was on the floor.

“I’m not the right person to ask.” I mumbled picking up my mouth. “My last anniversary I got a hair dryer and a bath mat.”

“Nuh uh…” she cried out looking horrified.

AHA! Now I know how rid myself of Polly Perfect…so I continue…

“You know what’s romantic after six kids” I asked. “Finding your concealer brush, fuzzy hand cuffs and your Mistress Mindy high heels in the toilet. Those are the days I greet my husband at the door after work and say, ‘Take me I’m yours!’

Now I’m on a roll as Polly Perfect opens her mouth and starts to drool.

“Oh yeah, I found my panties on the neighbors hamster, the roses from Valentine’s Day planted in the dog poop and my wedding ring in the anal crevice of a headless baby doll sitting in the freezer.”

“And by the time you have your third child,” I continue,  “A romantic dinner is a drive-thru run at Taco Bell and the only lighted candles you’ll see is the one in the bathroom used for odor control.”

And before I could explain what “Rinse cycle and tumble dry” means in married speak, she had turned around, pulled out her cell phone and called her lawyer.

What? What I’d say?

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78 thoughts on “Isn’t Being A Mom Romantic?

  1. LOVE IT!! We don’t eat in the dining room anymore, romance is when hubby takes out the garbage and does the dishes!! Love the We met at a women’s correctional facility haha ;) Great writing!

  2. Haha, nice pictures. Creates a specific mood very appropriate for this type of article! “In the women’s correctional facility for the criminally insane.” was funny!

  3. I love your witty writing style! Don’t you just hate those morning people:) Kuddos to you for having six even if it isn’t always romantic.

  4. Sharon!! YOU GO GIRL!!! Nothing worse than bumping into a “Polly Perfect” in the midst of a small crisis.. Or better yet, don’t you love getting advice on how to discipline your children from someone who no less is single and without children? Gotta love it… oh and the “older” remark! Oh no she didn’t!! You know what, I hope she and her husband get what they asked for… ten children!! LOL!! Loved your post!!

  5. Great laugh! And I love the artwork too! Hate nosy peeps in the store who want to share–now Peeps, on the other hand, those are just heavenly!

  6. You have got to be the most fun person in the grocery store :) Seriously to keep our sanity humor is SO important. Have a wonderful day and say hi to Polly Perfect for me :)

  7. Oh man – a laugh a sentence. Sadly the last minute kid announcement rings so true….. Oh I’m so glad those days are fading away. Criminally insane – womans institution – isn’t that home? :)

  8. I think I would have died at the “since you are older and wiser” part. haha Excuse me!? Old??
    I remember watching a show, and a waitress who was being questioned responded “she was old, you know 30″ I just died. 30 ISN”T OLD PEOPLE!

    Old is like 100! ;)

  9. Get outta here! I love this response. REALLY, please get out of here. And if I heard “older and wiser” I would likely turn around & walk away without saying another word

  10. This is precisely the type of conversations random strangers feel comfortable striking up with me all.the.time. Not sure I look THAT approachable. But hey.
    This was good for a really great laugh!!!

  11. My mother was lucky to have me I guess. The worst thing I did was draw on the underside of the coffee table in crayons or freeze sodas until they burst or hide my broccoli under the lip of the plate or…

  12. I can see you watching for those who take and run, or just comment, “Thanks” or “interesting”. It’s OK though your bounce rate will remain bouncy and you will have to buy more of me for being so darn clever lol.

    Did you get, the newly weds number? Was she cute? oh wrong blog doh!

  13. It gets better and better.

    They say the first kid takes 90% of your time and the second kid takes the remaining 90%.

    Heaven knows what happens with 3, 4, 5 and 6 but you give us a good idea!

  14. Who knew buying Easter candy could turn into such an adventure! You make the most ordinary activities sound like forays into the suburban wilderness.

  15. All I can say is: There is no off position on the genius switch! I was there with you shoving that granny to get at the cat food. You delivered with this one!

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