I just want to take a moment to reassure my friends with children that you are not, indeed, crazy.
You really did purchase two bags of potato chips, the loaf of bread used to have 24 slices, not just the heals, and you used to be the proud owner of the entire “Rocky” series, not just Rocky 3-6…
There really was ketchup in the bottle last night, you really do own enough silverware to make it through one day and you did have enough inexpensive gourmet coffee left for another week.
You also used to have coffee maker.
The living room furniture was hole-less before you went to the grocery store, the laundry soap used to be in a box, not your laundry room floor, and you actually did buy a 24 pack of toilet paper at Costco, not 13.
So before you decide it’s time to pack your bags, hire a babysitter for three months, take a leave of absence and change your address to Breckenridge mental facility in Rhode Island…do yourself a favor…
Go check the dog food bag…
Your belly button rings just may be in there after all.
Don’t bypass the washer and dryer either. The missing pages to you Nora Roberts novel could be laying there along with your shower cap.
And check the toy box. Last time I had to check ours, I found my spoons and knifes in there.
My daughter had used them for her Holly Hobbie tea party.
If you happen to find your missing snow globes, don’t be so sure they’re devoid of liquids. You may be surprised to find the ketchup was emptied in there.
And the mustard too.
I’m pretty sure that the coffee grounds can be found inside your daughter’s baby dolls flushing toilet. It probably won’t flush and make that “swooshing” sound anymore. But at least you won’t be drinking tea.
You should find the laundry soap in the microwave oven. Probably the postage scale too. And maybe even your cheap designer clothes.
Now, the missing collectible figurines are more than likely underneath the kitchen table. As is your pillow and cooking spices.
Last week I caught our cat using shards from our coffee table as a toothpick.
Ya know, to get the potato chips and ketchup out.
Now, there’s a good chance that the missing Rocky VCR tapes are probably in the china cabinet next to the coffee maker. Which will be behind your basket of fake flowers.
If your house and kids are anything like mine, I’ll bet most of the bread is underneath the older kids bunkbed, in your linen closet under the bath mat, or behind the bean bag chair. Which is where the rest of your silverware probably is too.
As for any toilet paper that may be missing, I have several thoughts on that.
First, go into your bathroom and look up. My kids like to take hand fulls of the stuff, wet it and toss it on the ceiling. Then wait to see if it comes plopping down.
Second, there’s also a chance that your four year used it as a cape and chased the animals around the house with it flying out behind her. In which case you should be able to spot it all over the floors.
Third, open your dishwasher and wait to see if any gobs of mush fall out.
If, however, by now you still haven’t located your paper bottom cleaner, may I suggest checking the back of your 6 year old’s throat. In which case you’ll need to wait for mother nature do to her thing.
That or use a little castor oil on the child. It’s a personal favorite of mine…
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