Hey Mom! Isn’t That Your Funnel In The VCR?

“By golly, that is my funnel! Along with your nintendo ds, your brothers board games and your fathers trading cards…”

I just want to take a moment to reassure my friends with children that you are not, indeed, crazy.

You really did purchase two bags of potato chips, the loaf of bread used to have 24 slices, not just the heals, and you used to be the proud owner of the entire “Rocky” series, not just Rocky 3-6…

There really was ketchup in the bottle last night, you really do own enough silverware to make it through one day and you did have enough inexpensive gourmet coffee left for another week.

You also used to have coffee maker.

The shelves on the wall used to have 3 snow globes and there were 43, not 31, Irish girl collectible figurines.

The living room furniture was hole-less before you went to the grocery store, the laundry soap used to be in a box, not your laundry room floor, and you actually did buy a 24 pack of toilet paper at Costco, not 13.

So before you decide it’s time to pack your bags, hire a babysitter for three months, take a leave of absence and change your address to Breckenridge mental facility in Rhode Island…do yourself a favor…

Go check the dog food bag…

Your belly button rings just may be in there after all.

Don’t bypass the washer and dryer either. The missing pages to you Nora Roberts novel could be laying there along with your shower cap.

Oh, you may want to peak in your son’s underwear drawer for the 1/2 eaten bag of missing potato chips too.

And check the toy box. Last time I had to check ours, I found my spoons and knifes in there.

My daughter had used them for her Holly Hobbie tea party.

If you happen to find your missing snow globes, don’t be so sure they’re devoid of liquids. You may be surprised to find the ketchup was emptied in there.

And the mustard too.

I’m pretty sure that the coffee grounds can be found inside your daughter’s baby dolls flushing toilet. It probably won’t flush and make that “swooshing” sound anymore. But at least you won’t be drinking tea.

You should find the laundry soap in the microwave oven. Probably the postage scale too. And maybe even your cheap designer clothes.

Now, the missing collectible figurines are more than likely underneath the kitchen table. As is your pillow and cooking spices.

Before you punish your children for the holes on your sofa and in the middle of your coffee table, check under the claws of your cat. And his back teeth too.

Last week I caught our cat using shards from our coffee table as a toothpick.

Ya know, to get the potato chips and ketchup out.

Now, there’s a good chance that the missing Rocky VCR tapes are probably in the china cabinet next to the coffee maker. Which will be behind your basket of fake flowers.

If your house and kids are anything like mine, I’ll bet most of the bread is underneath the older kids bunkbed, in your linen closet under the bath mat, or behind the bean bag chair. Which is where the rest of your silverware probably is too.

As for any toilet paper that may be missing, I have several thoughts on that.

First, go into your bathroom and look up. My kids like to take hand fulls of the stuff, wet it and toss it on the ceiling. Then wait to see if it comes plopping down.

Second, there’s also a chance that your four year used it as a cape and chased the animals around the house with it flying out behind her. In which case you should be able to spot it all over the floors.

Third, open your dishwasher and wait to see if any gobs of mush fall out.

If, however, by now you still haven’t located your paper bottom cleaner, may I suggest checking the back of your 6 year old’s throat. In which case you’ll need to wait for mother nature do to her thing.

That or use a little castor oil on the child. It’s a personal favorite of mine…

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68 thoughts on “Hey Mom! Isn’t That Your Funnel In The VCR?

  1. And that doesn’t begin to cover what’s buried in the back yard, where the geraniums used to be before they died, and what you’ll discover 10 years from now when you have to dig up the yard for a new sewer line. Oh and don’t forget what you’ll find in the sewer line – underwear, marbles, hair rollers, the TV remote, Raggedy Ann’s head ……

  2. A while back now but the little un constantly put the old mobile in the fridge “as it was very warm”, used to scare hell out of me going to make a drink and getting the nokia tune playing away muffled.

    As for the video, there’s still a tape stuck in it that got put in back to front, an impossibilty I’ve been told but we did get told he was a little miracle :-)

  3. I remember fixing a hole in the wall at my parents house. I stuff it with the NY times headline of the day. OJ found not guilty.

    I wonder if someone will ever see that again.

  4. The inmates are running the asylum! At least you have someone to pin these things on. When I misplace something or use it up I think I couldn’t possibly have done it, then I remember I live alone

  5. Good stuff. When I was a kid, I climbed onto the roof of a shed, then stretched a board across to the lean-to on a nearby building and led my sister across it. We slid partway down the pitched roof of my dad’s shop, treating it as a makeshift slide. That ended when my mother found us out. Another time, I put Vaseline in my sister’s hair like hair gel. I have no idea why.

  6. there is a food black-hole that exists when teenage boys are in residence, even if they act like zombies who are awake only in the night hours and seem like they wouldn’t eat! Indeed all food items disapear and the zombie yell is…why don’t we ever have any food!

    :-)

  7. Oh, the things I have to look forward to when my daughter gets older. :)

    I’m following you from the VoiceBoks M2R event!
    I’m following you through Linky Followers, Networked Blogs and Facebook!

    I hope you have a great rest of your week!

    -Courtney
    optimisticmommy.com
    peaceloverecipes.com

  8. Sharon… you have me in stitches! I so love your writing. It’s as if I was perched on your shoulder as everything was happening. What an awesome life you have. I once found a hot wheel and q-tip in my vcr and my son’s french fries in my purse!

  9. I don’t have any kids but my partner is much like this, squirrels things away until I find them. I can’t imagine having another 2 people doing this. Granted I was one of those kids that “forgot” about thing, until they started to smell terrible, and or lost stuff and eventually would find it and it drove my mom NUTS !

  10. My son once tried to “cook” a waffle in our VCR. My daughter even thought we would appreciate having nail polish on the front of our microwave. My daughter is all grown up now and at college so her antics have been limited to her dorm 5+ hours away. However, my son, at age 12, will be here to share his antics for another few precious years. Children do keep you on your toes!!

  11. I learned that if anything is missing, you have to look knee high. With the 8 year old, that is a little difficult since he is almost 5 feet tall. When he was 3 or 4, I tricked him into identifying all his hiding places. I remember checking out a DVD from the kid’s section of the library. I didn’t watch it with him, but my wife did. Have no idea who told this guy that his material was suitable for children, because he was Boring with a capital “B.” My son said he is not watching the video again and we got hit with about 4 weeks worth of library fines until we found it.

  12. If I admitted to half the things I did as a kid… Mind you it has taken me until the past few years to not use silverware as screwdrivers in a pinch or paring knives for my work projects – bad habits I learned in childhood.

    Don’t blame the kids for everything – sometimes it is the spouse :)

    My puppy is the source of “eating” entertainment – having to pull things which have become stuck in the passage is a source of great laughs.

    Love your writing Sharon – brings back fond memories of childhood!

  13. I love how you describe the toilet paper yet I haven’t seen 13 rolls in a pack?!? Just kidding. But I wonder how that castor oil would work on any kid. I’m still wondering on that one.

  14. We have an 8 and 9 year old – so I’ve seen, heard, and smelled it all! In reference to the VCR – we’ve found money, candy, things they used to try to get the money and candy out, and several pieces to toys and/or games.

    Just breath! ;)

  15. And those are only the things you have found… don’t forget about the activities they do with those missing items. Sometimes they even take the item, use it and put it back; like using your toothbrush to go fishing in the toilet only you don’t know that until you catch them.

  16. Thank you so much I had been looking for the belly button ring for AGES! As for the coffee maker? It wasn’t behind the fake flowers. Maybe in the dog Kennel? He has been up at night a lot lately.

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