“Just as you
r mother had duh-uh-un, when my mind joined the Twilight Zone.” <- (Hum “If You Could Read My Mind. The title & first sentence will make more sense..)
Gordon Lightfoot and his sultry song of sadness not only prevented me from committing Hara Kiri on my kids cheap, giant, stuffed animals, but he saved my dishes, antiques and anything else that crash when they hit a wall from an untimely death.
Along with my sanity.
Because last week blew chunks.
Literally.
Not only had the stomach flu made it’s way through my house and through five of our six kids mouths, but the high school and grade school decided it was perfect timing for a “fall break.”
After only two months in school.
And I was not yet mentally prepared for this so called “break” because it meant that not only would I be giving up my new found three hours a day of silence, but that there would be anywhere between two and six extra kids in my house for the next five days since I’m a glutton for punishment.
And the neighborhood babysitter. And a master of pizza rolls. And a referee.
Oh, and I should probably add that I was in throws of depression since two of my favorite T.V. shows were cancelled and my book is still in its “last minute revision mode.”
Which means I won’t be getting that new microwave oven or toaster yet.
Dang nab it.
So by day three of my confinement as a slave to the kids every desire to maintain peace and save my living room furniture from becoming stuffing for my children’s featherless pillows, (The feathers were strewn all over after the last pillow fight) I realized that the only quiet I was going to get was if I stayed up until midnight watching child in
appropriate television.
Because PG-13 scares the hell out of them.
And wouldn’t ya just know it? 14 trillion channels and not one thing to watch. So I flipped a coin when I decided to choose between a Val Kilmer movie I hadn’t seen yet, or another Zumba infomercial.
Val won…
I guess I should have read the movie description because “Wonderland” ended up being just a bit too intense for me. Considering my mental state and all.
And the fact that “If You Could Read My Mind” ended up getting stuck in my head so much for the next five days that I sang it all the time without realizing it. And because the kids had heard me sing it so much they started changing the words around, thus ruining a perfectly good cry-along-song.
So I decided to change the words to better fit my current domestic situation.
And good thing I did because the words had me chuckling to myself, and it helped save the children’s little hineys from the fly swatters I had engraved their names on.
And my new top ten hit went a bit like this: (But first let me recommend scrolling to the bottom of the post to play the song so you can sing along with my new lyrics.)
If you could read my mind kids, you would all run away from home. Just as your mother had duh-uh-un, when my mind joined the Twilight Zone.
In a dark bathroom, or under your beds, that yelling you hear is me, calling you to do chores…and you will never be set free as long as your rooms smell like cat’s pee-pee.
If I could read your minds kids, I’d hit my head on the bathroom wall, just like I did last Tuesday, when I found that your clothes can crawl.
When I threw them down, on your toilet seat, they tried to run away, but I hit them with a stick.
You won’t wear those clothes again because I burned them in the laundry bin.
*Insert violin/guitar solo*
I’d walk away from your bedroom door, and call in the hazmat team, to save you from my wrath, because your bathrooms look so bad and your trashcans flow with last nights dinner, spam.
But for now kids, move along.
I never thought rooms could look this way, and I’ve got to say that I just don’t get it. I don’t know where I went wrong but your iPods gone and you’ll never get it back….”
Hilarious but thank you ever so much for that song which is now rattling around in my head and will be for the next five days!!
You don’t hate me, do ya?
Sorry you had a rough week last week, but your song sure gave me a chuckle. I should have been singing it too since we all had the flu last week too! I’ll remember it for next time
I will keep this song on my blog forever
Thanks for the dose of humor today! And for the song stuck in my head now LOL Think we’ve all been there, for sure!
My pleasure
burning the clothes in the laundry bin–NOW THATS and ideal!!!! ;D
Well, it was that or throw them in the neighbors pool
Lol, love the post, the song makes me think about some people I know lol
Makes me think of some people I know too!
Very funny and creative. Isn’t this how Weird Al got his start?
You’re right, by golly! Weird Sharon Yankapick has a great ring to it!
Hi Sahron, THX a lot for sharing this song and I recognize you householding. I have 4 children and they have also a schoolbreak after sex weeks of school
But about 5 weeks I go on holiday all alone, with no kids and wife 
With warm regards, Ruud.
I wish I could go on vacation with no wife and kids too!
Sharon, what a tale your thoughts have told. I sure hope what ails your kids is moving on out of your house. Cheers!
LOL! That made me laugh!
Love it! Don’t we just love those school breaks!!
UGH! Not on your life!
Great post!
Thanks.
The trouble with this post is, like the others, I am stuck with the song going round in my head forever! Seriously, I think you should be writing self-help books on time management, you really are the expert!
Really? Ya think?
The thing that I have found when illness is floating around the house is that excellent hygiene works…to delay getting sick…but never to avoid it. I have decided next time I just want everybody to cough and spit on each other; so everybody gets sick all at once!
I, personally, am a huge fan of spitting
Glad the song was not Whiskey River or Bloody Mary Morning by Willie Nelson.
Bahahahaha!!!!!!
hehehehe! Very funny – thanks for the chuckles!
Thank you
Sooooooo glad to be past that stage of life. Hang in there, at some point they move out and you get your house back.
So…I won’t have to re-write any more songs?! Yippee!
lol.Always enjoy reading your posts:)
Thanks Heidi
Dear Sharon,
Thanks a lot for your gift: the music is running trough my brain now again and again. You see the light again? I’ve enjoyed your post: Great.
Toon
I totally see the light. Matter of fact, I’m blinded by the light…revved up like a deuce another runner in the night….
Hahaha… Do you hit anything that moves? Dangerous place
I guess everybody should be warned never to come to your doorstep in a frog costume 
Nah…I like frogs
Hehehe nice one Sharon!
Did you see along?
awesome….I get told off when I re-write songs on the fly, the wife gets cranky because it seems like I don’t know many words that rhyme with Rock…
My favourite is Puff the magic dragon….the kids love it and laugh and giggle while the wife rolls her eyes and says “you know they’ll go to school singing that now.”
I always sort of thought it was a good thing to have the kids repeat everything I sing
i know what you mean about needing a fall break already. By Tuesday or Wednesday it might as well already be Friday.
Wait! It’s not FRIDAy?!
Sharon, your blog posts are hilarious!
you really have a gift to transform the most horrifying situations into humorous moments.
You could write a TV show or something!
Love you! hope all goes to better if possible.
Thank you for the blog and song!
Slavica
You are such a doll Slavica & I luv ya!
I am so glad that I got to go on your blog today! Needed this laugh, LOVE the song, I am singing it now LOL
Then my job is done!
Next up…Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald!
I was thinking Engelbert Humperdink
Sounds like a week with my pack! The stomach flu is the worst. I hope everything takes a miraculous turn toward calm for you soon.
Only one sick kid left
OMG, I don’t know how you manage to stay sane, Sharon! Apart from rewriting songs, that is. You are one strong woman.
It’s a curse, I can never enjoy a song anymore without fine tuning it
Gee thanks… it’s taken me 40 years to get that song out of my head, and now…
Aw…forgive me? LOL
Great! Just great… I just know that this darn song is going to be with me the rest of the night… Thanks for sharing, Sharon.
Grace, peace and blessings, Carla
Ah…you don’t really mind so much, do ya?
Great rewrite. If Gordon was a dad, he would have approved.
Whew…load of my mind
oh, damn you, Sharon! (I used to like that song but now Your lyrics will get song wormed in my head and no matter how many times I play a YouTube video of Gordon’s version, I’ll never be able to get them to go away!!! aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
LOL…I am sooo sorry. Sort of…maybe…well, nah…I will forever be singing about cat’s pee pee myself
I dun-know Sharon, ‘ghosts from wishing wells’ sorta sounds like whats going on at my house right now!
Thanks for changing the song that’s been stuck in my head all morning.
Any time punkin
Phenomenal!!! It would be a youtube sensation if you recorded it, I’m sure.
LOL…I audition next week
My mom loved that song…and she had a flyswatter w/my name on it too. She used to swat with every word… “The (swat) next (swat) time (swat) I (swat) tell (swat) you… haha…
After I was grown I’d teaser her about it, and make the same face she used to make when I’d stressed out to the point of the flyswatter.
Hope everyone’s feeling 100% now. We had the flu bug in this house too. Yuk!
Your mom is my hero
We only have one 2 year old… so I don’t think we are there yet. Very humorous though.
As always you make me laugh out loud! I LOVE that song…and Gordon Lightfoot…shh don’t tell Agent Daddy!
Ok…I won’t post it all over facebook. Twitter?
Ok twitter if you must. LOL
You always make me laugh, thanks
No, thank you Leo!
Hi, Sharon -
I like the cover of your new book. As a background image for your blog, I recommend muting it a bit. Making it like a watermark would still let it be seen, but not have it visually competing with everything else in the middle of primary part of the page.
Good luck with your book!
Yeah…you’re right