“Oh…I forgot, you’re Debbie and all that watermelon and water gave me gas, now I crave animal and fizzy drinks.”
And as I stood at the kitchen counter making the child her breakfast, I began to realize that we are only on day 4 of summer break and we’re already experiencing problems.
The first being that if I don’t respond to the 5 year old calling me Debbie she starts crying and accusing me of child neglect.
Second? My vaulted ceiling is a magnet.
I first noticed this fatal attraction on Saturday when I returned home from the grocery store.
I was feeling very generous and decided to purchase multiple bottles of black liquid for my kids to drink for a treat.
Ever seen that experiment with the mentos and diet coke?
Yeah…my ceiling looked like someone had issues with projectile vomiting after eating prunes.
Ever stand on top of a 6 foot ladder and mop your ceiling?
Tip #1…put the cat in your room so it doesn’t climb the kitchen cabinets and take a flying leap at the wet strings hanging in your eyes.
Tip #2…put the ice cream back in the freezer so it doesn’t melt all over the front of your dishwasher and onto the floor lamps.
P.S. You may also want to stop cooking and cover your dinner so the root beer won’t drip from the ceiling into your home made stew.
The third issue so far this summer?
My kids have all forgotten their siblings names.
I can’t remember exactly what I was thinking when I filled out the kids birth certificates, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t name any of them butt face or jerk off.
Although I think my husband may be on the same page as the kids. He has been known to call them anything but their given names.
Problem #4. The kids have forgotten how to flush a toilet.
How did I discover this? The dog fainted from dehydration.
When I checked to make sure all 3 of the toilet lids were still up, I myself temporarily forgot all of the kids names when I screamed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Will the 5 of you butt heads get into the bathrooms and flush for Pete’s sake?”
Even the cat can remember to flush…
Problem #5. The children have all lost their hearing.
During the school year they can hear the phone ring even when they’re outside.
Now? The phone rings, 5 boys yell, “MOM! Sounds like the telephone!” And the 5 year old screams, “DEBBIE! I think you’re cell phone is singing ‘More than a woman’ again!”
Am I the only one who ever wonders if munchausen by proxy has been outlawed in all 50 states?
But our newest issue began today. This is when the kids forgot we live in a desert.
Sure…go ahead…air condition the neighborhood…
An hour later the front door flew open and my 13 year old fell into the house panting. He looked at me from the floor with his body half in, half out of the house and choked, “Mom…water…stroke…forgot water…went jogging.”
And as I poured water down his throat I asked him what that filmy white stuff was all over his lips.
And just as his eyes rolled in the back of his head and he fainted, my daughter said, “It’s anti perspirant so his upper lip won’t sweat.