Hey Mom, Isn’t That Your Ego Deflating?

Why yes son, yes it is. And thanks for not pointing out the obvious or anything.

Traitor…

Look, I get that vanity is a sin and all, but I see nothing wrong with the occasional compliment or even a little recognition once in a while for Pete’s sake.

It’s not like I’m waiting for someone to write a song immortalizing me or anything.

Although “My Sharona” in a good start.

Would it come as a surprise to anyone if I revealed that Costco is one of the culprits for my deteriorating confidence?

Thank God I only do my shopping there every other month. Anything more than that and I’d have to be put on a suicide watch because it never fails…I’m walking along, I see someone I recognize, I do a shout out, wave a howdy do and wait for the return wave with a grin on my face.

And more times than not they turn their head, look at me, rub their eyes, scratch their butt and act deaf.

Know who else damages my self esteem? The dentist.

This do gooder always greets me as if we don’t get together at least 3 times a year so he can cram his fingers down my throat. He comes sashaying out of his office with his perfect, bleached white teeth smile and says, “So…who do we have today?”

Seriously?

Anyway, since I’ve been so sick the last two weeks I’ve been wearing what any decent stay at home mom wears.

No make-up, my hair in a bun and an oversized house dress with holes in it.

Well, why not?

Anyway, yesterday I’m doing my house cleaning thing when the USPS guy shows up at our door. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but getting an unexpected box at my door is almost as good as chocolate and getting money in my birthday cards.

It never happens anymore…but I digress.

The USPS guy took one look at me and said, “Holy toledo lady! Are you okay? Should I call the cops?”

“No…why?”

And then he clears his throat and says real slow like, “Ohhh…so you meant to look like that? *Ahem*…jut sign here please.”

So I did.

And then I threw his little electronic sign-y in-ny thingy over the neighbors wall.

I’m also convinced that the inanimate objects in my bedroom are alive and well and out to get me.

Doubt me?

Don’t, because earlier today when I was making faces at myself in the dresser mirror, I swear I could hear my maternity clothes from 2007 start to giggle and say, “Pick me! Pick me!”

And then later in the day I went into the bathroom and when I stopped to make sure Miss Clariol got all the gray out, my reflection made a gagging sound and turned it’s back on me.

So now there’s two of me and we both freak out when, adding insult to injury, my scale chuckles and asks, “Did you wanna hear my newest your mama’s so fat joke?

It is now in the recycle bin along with my one size fits all tee-shirt for insinuating that it could only fit over my head.

Today I had to go to the grocery store and decided before we left to try on some of the free make up samples I got in the mail.

Ya know…waste not want not.

A little eye liner, a little blush and I thought I had done a pretty good job of covering up my black eyes and sick face.

Half way down the pet food aisle I hear a gasp from the little boy standing behind me. I turn around and produce a winning smile for him, and he just stands there staring at me and won’t move.

Even when my daughter started throwing cat nip at him he stood statue still staring at me as if I had just burped out loud and didn’t say excuse me.

Finally he looks up at his mom and says, “I thought Halloween was over already.”

The paramedics assured his mother that his limp is temporary.

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64 thoughts on “Hey Mom, Isn’t That Your Ego Deflating?

  1. My Ego deflated a long time ago. My one son needed day surgery a few weeks back and we had to do the pre-op thing and when we met with the anesthetist she knew my sons medical history and started waving her pencil around my head and then said, “I know, I see, all the stress you’ve had I can see all your grey.” She was a good 15 years older than me and had an off shade of red and it was all I could do not to comment how I could see she’d covered hers. People huh, well I think your lovely Sharon umm black eye and all!!!!

  2. I will never forget the day I showed up for my son’s swim lesson with my hair beautifully blow dried and make-up on (I’d gotten my hair colored and cut that morning, or it would have been in its usual ponytail). Another mom made a huge deal about how great I looked and seemed SHOCKED that I could look like that. I feel like carrying photos of me in my 20s around just so I could show people how thin and un-wrinkled I once was!

  3. I’m sorry you had an ego deflating week-I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think! Your writing is hilarious though and you can tell a good story:-)

  4. I think your ego ought to be beginning to reflate after all these nice comments. You certainly have some addicts of your blog who think you’re pretty great!

  5. Not just moms… I have weeks like that… the guy looking out from the mirror looks like he should be lying down inside a chalk drawing

  6. when they make the movie – I want LeBep to play the part of the USPS guy ….. nice one Sharon – congrats

  7. No woman, of any age, gets out of the culture alive. And after being sick? Well, that’s why God made chocolate. Yes, a short-term solution but what’s wrong with that?

  8. I’m sure you are just gorgeous at all times!;) I always run into a neighbor when I’m half dressed, just trying to get the garbage dumpster out. Never fails, and they want to chit chat, and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet;)

    Hope you’re feeling better:)

  9. I can’t remember the last time a year passed without someone asking me if I got beat up. Apparently, I need glasses. I look like I’ve been through a war by the time most evenings roll around. I don’t take the question personally, and I’m quick to brush it off as what it is, but then some people keep pushing the point and that does get irritating. I liked your line about the boy’s limp being temporary.

  10. I really LOVE your blog. It brings out lots of humor and even the pictures are cool. I’m already smiling because it’s already Friday 8:15A.M. here in Bangkok, Thailand. Keep up the good blogging and Happy Mother’s Day :)

  11. Thanks for the smiles… I needed that. (God knows I’ll never get them from my kids, at least not intentionally…) :-)

  12. Well, I really don’t care who’s shopping at Costco, and my ego keeps the same. That’s part of male and female difference, I guess. My purpose of visiting a store is to get things and get out. It’s as simple as that. On the other hand, I really don’t like shopping with my wife. That’s when situation could become complicated and lengthy.

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