Look, I get that vanity is a sin and all, but I see nothing wrong with the occasional compliment or even a little recognition once in a while for Pete’s sake.
It’s not like I’m waiting for someone to write a song immortalizing me or anything.
Although “My Sharona” in a good start.
Would it come as a surprise to anyone if I revealed that Costco is one of the culprits for my deteriorating confidence?
Thank God I only do my shopping there every other month. Anything more than that and I’d have to be put on a suicide watch because it never fails…I’m walking along, I see someone I recognize, I do a shout out, wave a howdy do and wait for the return wave with a grin on my face.
Know who else damages my self esteem? The dentist.
This do gooder always greets me as if we don’t get together at least 3 times a year so he can cram his fingers down my throat. He comes sashaying out of his office with his perfect, bleached white teeth smile and says, “So…who do we have today?”
Anyway, since I’ve been so sick the last two weeks I’ve been wearing what any decent stay at home mom wears.
No make-up, my hair in a bun and an oversized house dress with holes in it.
Well, why not?
Anyway, yesterday I’m doing my house cleaning thing when the USPS guy shows up at our door. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but getting an unexpected box at my door is almost as good as chocolate and getting money in my birthday cards.
It never happens anymore…but I digress.
And then he clears his throat and says real slow like, “Ohhh…so you meant to look like that? *Ahem*…jut sign here please.”
So I did.
And then I threw his little electronic sign-y in-ny thingy over the neighbors wall.
I’m also convinced that the inanimate objects in my bedroom are alive and well and out to get me.
Don’t, because earlier today when I was making faces at myself in the dresser mirror, I swear I could hear my maternity clothes from 2007 start to giggle and say, “Pick me! Pick me!”
And then later in the day I went into the bathroom and when I stopped to make sure Miss Clariol got all the gray out, my reflection made a gagging sound and turned it’s back on me.
So now there’s two of me and we both freak out when, adding insult to injury, my scale chuckles and asks, “Did you wanna hear my newest your mama’s so fat joke?
It is now in the recycle bin along with my one size fits all tee-shirt for insinuating that it could only fit over my head.
Today I had to go to the grocery store and decided before we left to try on some of the free make up samples I got in the mail.
A little eye liner, a little blush and I thought I had done a pretty good job of covering up my black eyes and sick face.
Half way down the pet food aisle I hear a gasp from the little boy standing behind me. I turn around and produce a winning smile for him, and he just stands there staring at me and won’t move.
Even when my daughter started throwing cat nip at him he stood statue still staring at me as if I had just burped out loud and didn’t say excuse me.
Finally he looks up at his mom and says, “I thought Halloween was over already.”
The paramedics assured his mother that his limp is temporary.