Here’s Some Suggestions For You Mrs. Mom…

Ooh, that sounds intimidating, and yet…exciting! Only, it’s not…

It’s just facebook ruining my life again. Or at least, I’ve chosen to blame them for my issues.

For instance. Issue #1…facebook is giving me a complex. They keep posting random people’s photo albums and rubbing it in my face. Literally.

See, what I should be doing is scrubbing fake tatoo’s off of my kids, but instead I’m looking at Lilly’s pictures of her family vacation in Europe. First of all, I don’t know Lilly, but she’s a friend of a friend and secondly, I’m curious. Like is she fat? Is her butt bigger than mine?

These are the things I’m looking at instead of doing my SAHM duties and it’s getting harder to lie to my husband about why things didn’t get done.

But…if Lilly has cottage cheese on her legs, then it was worth it and my self esteem has improved.

Issue #2. The news feed shows me what pages my friends like and now I have to go find out what it is and why they like it.


Because if they’re into frog licking or rock worshipping, I can now judge them without their knowledge. I may have known this person since our days of puberty, but now I have the power to see their thoughts, and if it freaks me out…I have one less friend on facebook.

Issue #3. My friends make me feel like a retard without even trying.

For real. Some of them are too smart for me to even know. They’ll post an update so brilliant, I half expect Encyclopedia Britannica to start using these posts as a source of reference.

Some of them are doctors, some politicians, some are college professors and some who know to only eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full.

Gawd I hate that.

Issue #4. My deteriorating ego.

First, facebook tells me I should use friend finder like 10 of my other friends did to find friends.

However, it seems I’ve already found all of my friends…so that particular tool is of no use to me anymore.

The next little needle in my side is the, “Sharon, here are some people you may know. You have 178 mutual friends.”

Now, the way I see it, these people who share mutual friends with me are getting the same notifications, right?

So why aren’t they sending me a friends request? What if I send a request and they don’t remember me so they ignore the request? Then 2 months later when they pop up on my list of people I may know again, I have to consider that they A. Don’t like me, or B. Don’t remember me.

Then they’ll be sitting on their couch rubbing their hands together and thinking, “Ha ha! She doesn’t know if I don’t like her or can’t remember her.”

Now they have all the power and I have one less friend than almost 300 of my friends who can post on their wall’s and I can’t.

You know why else facebook is harmful to my ego? Because my brilliant friends will post an update, I’ll comment, go to bed and when I get up in the morning I’ll have 57 new notifications.

And my heart just swells with pride thinking people out there in internet land really do love me.

But…it turns out my friends status that I posted on got a reply from a friend of theirs who I don’t know and they ended up having a 3 hour conversation without me.

My friend never replied to my comment, but now I have to read that they’re going shopping and I’m not invited.

I think I need a status new update..

Like I’m going to Fiji with Fifi to  spend a million dollars on nothun’ cause Fifi is married to Skippy,  who’s a French lord or something.

Then I’m going to steal random pictures from a flickr photo album and claim I just had the best vacation ever with my BFF.

How ya like them cookies?

Mmmm…cookies. Wonder how much milk  we have left…..

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100 thoughts on “Here’s Some Suggestions For You Mrs. Mom…

  1. Seriously had to laugh even though it is 5am and I am out of coffee. You know I actually relate to some of this. Wow reality had hit, now I must venture to Starbucks without makeup on.

  2. The friend one is my favorite. Just to add insult to injury, the ONE TIME I used the friend thingie that suggests friends of friends and asked 2 people to be my bestest facebook friends forever, they turned me down, said I was a random crazy person trying to friend them and Facebook put me in friend jail. For doing what they told me to do because they obviously thought I needed more friends… It’s a massive conspiracy to deflate our egos. I have this image in my head of some evil 9 year old working at FB going “Hmm….she needs friends….let’s offer some to her – and then take them away and banish her for 72 hours!!! Mwhahhahahaha!!!” or something like that.

  3. ‘Sprinkles of truth’, you say. I rather like this description. When I do it I call it embroidering the truth, or turning up the colour setting on the TV. The world should be – and probably is – grateful to us. Who wants to ‘exist day after day in grim reality’? I love your take on the world!

  4. Captcha code fails and my comment vanishes? Sad. But, what I said was – If it helps at all, I have some pictures from Europe you’re welcome to steal from my Flickr sets (if you’re into architecture and randomness) and I seriously dislike the ‘People you may know’ function because usually I don’t but they look REALLY interesting compared to the people that I DO know.

  5. Good one Sharon. I hate that 57 notification thing too. Here’s how to fix it: after you comment on a post, click ‘Unfollow Post’ at the top by the like & share buttons. Hands down my favorite Facebook feature.

  6. This post is hilarious! I love finding out “friends” are frog-lickers! And I love when I see more cheese on them than me, although I hate it when there’s less! And I used to get excited about notifications too, but too many let-downs later, and now I know ;(

    Thanks for the laughs!

  7. And to think that what fills me with envy is seeing all of the family photos people post. Having no kids, it’s awesome to see friends who are now parents posting photos of their kids doing ordinary things that they see as absolutely spectacular. Such intense, loving and complex relationships they have, parents and children.

  8. I was typing a comment and now I don’t know where it went. Anyway, I was just saying how hilarious this is and that studies have indeed shown that FB causes unhappiness/ dissatisfaction. I wrote a blog post in 2009 saying that too and as I wrote /said then, we just need to remember that what we see on FB are only snippets of people’s lives and such snippets are filtered even, well-selected I bet. So, yeah, I’m sure Lilly has that cottage-cheese thing going, LOL! *classic!*

  9. I didn’t dare start reading the 300 replies you received so I don’t know if anyone already said this. Maybe the friends that you might want know that have 178 common friends with you are in friend jail and cannot ask you to be friends because, as I did, they trusted the computer generated friend finder only to be hit with 14 days out of making any friends anymore because someone you might know with friends in common called you a spammer or whatever else. that is even worse for the ego if any if left after spending so much time on FB:))

  10. Love your FaceBook Envy. New Mental Disorder that you can go to therapy for FBE, Facebook Envy, based on friends posts, gosh how funny is that. I don’t see as many of my friends feeds since FB changed so much, but I love that you can see vacation and want to go. I feel that way when I share some of the Empire Ave photos that we do on missions. I want to go there some day. Keep at it, you keep us all laughing.

  11. Oh my goodness how I love love your snarky attitude
    I think the same thing when I see “Mutual” friend… why aren’t they asking me? Why should I seem like the desperate person looking to increase the number of people claim to be my friend. Then i think of all the reasons how it would benefit THEM to ask me to be their friend. And heck even if they did send me a request I would probably ignore it anyway
    Ok I’m done you can return to your regularly scheduled program

  12. This one was easy to relate to, because some of it is kind of true for me too. Lately, I’ve decided to start telling myself that the only reason I don’t have as many friends is that I’m more particular about how I will add (and who I will “accept” as a friend if someone decides to try to follow me). So I don’t have friends of a friend of a former friend clogging up my list. I’m better than that. Yeah, that’s it.

  13. I will be a much more miserable person these days if I didn’t have Facebook. I just wish I could get paid for it for the amount of information I consume, create, and share. This post by the way, wins a share…

  14. Well FB gave me those security problems, they gave me pictures of Children, Pictures of Flowers (now what flowers have human names I ask you) Pictures of non human Avatar’s (Pictures of Angles). So I gave up. The created a new FB profile, then they okay-ed the first one. And then locked the second one!. You Beauty now I am confused and so are my friends…… SO FB makes us all confused and that is being social ! in the internet age!

  15. Wow, with 80+ comments I’m not sure you’ll have time to read mine. Lol! You go girl!! This was an awesome post and my goodness how I can relate!! Facebook is such a time suck man. :)


  16. You know when you talk to someone on the phone and you don’t know what they look like, but you make up an image in your head. Well, I know what you look like, but I don’t know what you sound like, so I have a very clear voice of yours in my head when I read, and your voice makes me laugh even harder when I’m reading your hilarious posts. And they simply are hilarious. That’s not creepy, is it?

    • Nope…that’s hot! LOL…truthfully, my voice is a little deeper than your average woman but not quite like a man, and it’s a little raspy, but not quite like Demi Moore. Does that help?

  17. Pingback: Funny Bitch Friday: Mom’s Madhouse | Oh Noa.

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