It’s just facebook ruining my life again. Or at least, I’ve chosen to blame them for my issues.
For instance. Issue #1…facebook is giving me a complex. They keep posting random people’s photo albums and rubbing it in my face. Literally.
See, what I should be doing is scrubbing fake tatoo’s off of my kids, but instead I’m looking at Lilly’s pictures of her family vacation in Europe. First of all, I don’t know Lilly, but she’s a friend of a friend and secondly, I’m curious. Like is she fat? Is her butt bigger than mine?
These are the things I’m looking at instead of doing my SAHM duties and it’s getting harder to lie to my husband about why things didn’t get done.
But…if Lilly has cottage cheese on her legs, then it was worth it and my self esteem has improved.
Because if they’re into frog licking or rock worshipping, I can now judge them without their knowledge. I may have known this person since our days of puberty, but now I have the power to see their thoughts, and if it freaks me out…I have one less friend on facebook.
Issue #3. My friends make me feel like a retard without even trying.
For real. Some of them are too smart for me to even know. They’ll post an update so brilliant, I half expect Encyclopedia Britannica to start using these posts as a source of reference.
Some of them are doctors, some politicians, some are college professors and some who know to only eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full.
Gawd I hate that.
First, facebook tells me I should use friend finder like 10 of my other friends did to find friends.
However, it seems I’ve already found all of my friends…so that particular tool is of no use to me anymore.
The next little needle in my side is the, “Sharon, here are some people you may know. You have 178 mutual friends.”
Now, the way I see it, these people who share mutual friends with me are getting the same notifications, right?
So why aren’t they sending me a friends request? What if I send a request and they don’t remember me so they ignore the request? Then 2 months later when they pop up on my list of people I may know again, I have to consider that they A. Don’t like me, or B. Don’t remember me.
Then they’ll be sitting on their couch rubbing their hands together and thinking, “Ha ha! She doesn’t know if I don’t like her or can’t remember her.”
Now they have all the power and I have one less friend than almost 300 of my friends who can post on their wall’s and I can’t.
You know why else facebook is harmful to my ego? Because my brilliant friends will post an update, I’ll comment, go to bed and when I get up in the morning I’ll have 57 new notifications.
And my heart just swells with pride thinking people out there in internet land really do love me.
But…it turns out my friends status that I posted on got a reply from a friend of theirs who I don’t know and they ended up having a 3 hour conversation without me.
My friend never replied to my comment, but now I have to read that they’re going shopping and I’m not invited.
Like I’m going to Fiji with Fifi to spend a million dollars on nothun’ cause Fifi is married to Skippy, who’s a French lord or something.
Then I’m going to steal random pictures from a flickr photo album and claim I just had the best vacation ever with my BFF.
How ya like them cookies?
Mmmm…cookies. Wonder how much milk we have left…..