Dear MrsMom, We Have Eligible Singles In Your Area…

As of last month I am now eligible to meet Asian singles. At least according to my email I am.

A week before that it was senior citizens and two weeks before that it was Jewish and African American singles.

Last fall I was finally eligible to meet the spokesperson for Jose Cuervo after the group was able to confirm I had given birth six times.

I’m not sure when the on line dating community finally decided to start taking notice of me, but it’s about time.

After all, it has been 22 years since I completed my video of why I’d be a fun date. I always knew someone would appreciate the fact that I never checked my beeper or had to find a pay phone on a first date.

Of course, I was single and childless back then…

And frankly it’s about time that someone besides the people I live with showed me a little attention. Matter of fact, it’s about time I got some attention that didn’t require me to sign something, cook something or clean something up.

But to be honest, after I reply to these invitations to meet at a Motel 6 or a Castle Boutique, the interest seems to deteriorate a bit.

And I still can’t put my finger on what I’m doing wrong. After all, they solicited me…

Like when I received a friends request from some chick in a thong. We didn’t have any friends in common, but I figured there had to be a reason why, “Jenny wants to luv you,” was getting in touch with me.

Maybe we’d been in labor together, or perhaps we had both showed up for the same photo shoot of, “Mom’s who should have been nuns” daily. And you know what? She never replied personally. Instead I received an auto message with a link that directed me to her porn site. Only the link didn’t say what type of site it was, so naturally I clicked on it.

Well, that was interesting. *Ahem*

I had also received an email from “HotBecky69@hotmail.com” that same week.

She sent me all of her stats, several of her pictures, told me she was lonely and horny and begged me to reply. So I did. I sent her a picture of me, my husband, all the kids and told her that I was pretty lonely for some adult conversation after watching Sesame Street and Ice Age all day .

That was 2 months ago…I still haven’t heard back from her.

I was also shut out from the, “Single senior citizens who like to be spanked.”

Not that I don’t enjoy a good spanking every now and then. After all, a little swat on the behind helps reminds my kids that spraying hair spray all over the dog is not in anyone’s best interest.

But it turns out that these elders prefer you already receive a Denny’s 10% discount and that you carry an AARP card in your wallet.

And I’m still confused over the decline from the Asian singles I received this weekend.

Admittingly I’m a little too “Irish white” to pass for Asian, but they had solicited me.

So I called their #800 line yesterday hoping for a valid reason for the decline since they didn’t specify that both parties had to be Asian and single.

I’m still on hold…

But I think the biggest disappointment had to be from the, “Other moms in need” organization.

I was really happy to receive their email invitation that stated, “I’m married, lonely and need you,” considering I need some help matching socks for 6 guys. I also need some help with the ring around the bathtub and the base board washing.

So these were the thoughts running through my mind as I sent in my profile information to their site. I also included our family portrait from Christmas of 2007 and a list of my demands, like lint filter cleaning and coffee grinding.

The return email was not encouraging.

How was I supposed to know this mom club was intended for mom’s who felt the need to be told that they were a bad girl by other moms?

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78 thoughts on “Dear MrsMom, We Have Eligible Singles In Your Area…

  1. How great it is to be loved! brb…oh, I just found out I can get an enlarged… Well, I guess all attention isn’t good. Too #funny, thanks for sharing.

  2. I loved this paragraph…She sent me all of her stats, several of her pictures, told me she was lonely and horny and begged me to reply. So I did. I sent her a picture of me, my husband, all the kids and told her that I was pretty lonely for some adult conversation after watching Sesame Street and Ice Age all day .

    that is brilliant, too funny :-) another well written piece!

    Monty

  3. This is fun, isn’t it :) I never have chance to play with the online dating game. However, I did learn many funny stories when I had conversation with friends. Yours are hilarious, though.

  4. At least you have the guts to respond to porn spammers and dating sites, I just get annoyed ! Love your attitude towards it though. I always get the twitter porn accounts following me, the link on their bio is obviously porn. I always think responding to them is just encouraging them, as obviously all they want is attention, they don’t care who you are if you’ll pay for their stuff.

  5. It’s always fun to play around with those messages, but it’s never safe. Links could lead to sites that run scripts and hijack your computer–even if you have up-to-date virus protection software–and you might not even know for a few weeks or months that you’ve been infested. Not every site that spams you is trying to get your money in the obvious, old-fashioned ways. Still, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’ve been tempted to respond similarly to some of the email I get. If it didn’t instantly get me added to another few hundred mailing lists, I probably would!

  6. I had a friend who used to work for Dick Clark and appeared on the Dating Game. He was so funny. My friend told us about driving home Dick Clark’s Bentley and accidently (sp_) getting locked out on the freeway on the way home. It was so funny. You would love this part, about my friend giving his date an oil change on the dating game, because he thought it was something to help her. Your writing reminds me so much of my friend, and I wish you all the best

  7. One day I will be eligible for a 10% Off Discount card from Denny’s? At that rate I could afford to take two old ladies out to dinner everyday… and the odds of a foot massage would then be in my favor.. Thanks for the info….I have a lot to look forward to…

  8. Stunned that you aren’t getting the Twitter porn followers. I pick up a new one on my account at least once per week. I get the ‘We have eligible singles in your area’ emails all the time and I think ‘Good for you. And you’re telling ME this because…?’

    Thanks for a little Thursday morning levity…

  9. I’m still waiting for all the millions of dollars from inheritance money from my long lost uncle in the Middle East and the cousin I never knew about from Hong Kong to hit my bank account. I could really use a shopping trip.

  10. That reminds me to check up on the woman whose father died leaving her millions in Zaire and make sure she has all my banking details so she can send me his millions so I can keep 30% just for making that transfer.

  11. All the people who e-mail me seem to thing that i am going bald need a lone or have trouble maintaining an erection.

    I have to tell my wife to stop talking to the survey takers.

  12. Oh my that was really fun. I’m feeling really unloved now. I haven’t gotten any invitations from Asian men or anyone else for that matter… I’m condemned to my own Sesame Street and Ice Age Hell…. perhaps I should lower that firewall for just an hour!!

  13. Sharon, Sharon, Sharon… I mean really? LMAO!! I am still wiping the tears from my eyes, after nearly peeing in my pants from laughter! Great post my friend!! Blessings.

  14. What a great post! I get tired of being solicited by people who tell me that the girls will love me if my male anatomy part is bigger. Interesting since I have never had one nor intend to. Or also that ones that say from your **** buddy. I think you know what I mean without filling it in.

    Love your blog!

  15. Love it! Lonely girls and ethic singles groups don’t solicit me much but I do log in daily to throngs of job offers, windfall inheritances from Ugandan relatives I never knew I had, and notices that I have left funds in European banks. If I didn’t have kids, I would probably start correspondence with all of those people because if there is one things my kids have taught me it is that if some one is annoying you the surest way to make them stop is to be exponential more annoying!

  16. My name used to be a guy’s name, so I tend to get a lot of the viagra, cialis stuff. Don’t you just crack up on those cialis commercials? They always have a couple of bathtubs in the middle of nowhere! I had a lesbian stalker for awhile on FB, and had to de-friend her. Sometimes, I don’t catch the profile photos on Twitter at first, and end up following the girl giving a you know what, and my eyes just saw that she was eating an ice cream or something;)

  17. I think it is awesome if you actually did respond. They should realize how scatter-shot approach is lame.

    But don’t worry about rejection, you’ve got US. ; )

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