Now, now…don’t get all freaky on me.
I know perfectly well that without husbands there are no babies and no babies daddy’s.
There’s no male head of the household and no one to teach sons how to tell their wives that they’re always right…period.
And if all husband’s were wives, then daughters wouldn’t have someone they could go to and ask if mommy has PMS.
However, if husband’s were wives then doctor’s wouldn’t need the government to supplement their lawsuit defense fun BECAUSE ALL of the waiting room office chairs would be full with grown men admitting they can’t smell or taste anything.
After having grown up as big sister to only brothers and then getting married and giving birth to 5 sons…I feel somewhat qualified in saying that I am an expert in the many ways of man and how they don’t need a doctor. 
For anything…
Ever…
Even when there’s a cute nurse with a bag full of caffeinated candy and a cleavage problem.
And unless wife drives husband or withholds dinner and play time, daddy will never go get fixed and would rather die a martyrs death and be remembered as a Saint then have a prescription that turns their pee green.
Take Valentine’s Day of 2000 and something…
It was a Saturday morning like any other.
The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, my kids were complaining and the dog had peed on the family room area rug.
Again…
My husband had crawled out of our bedroom and advised me that he had to go into work for a few
hours. When I asked him why he was on all fours he answered, “Fever…fever…103…can’t barely move.”
“So…do you want to see a doctor?”
“No, no…must work.”
“Do you want aspirin?”
“I’m fine…just water.” And then he fell to the floor.
Needless to say when he came home 5 hours later, clutching flowers and a huge Hershey’s chocolate bar in his hand, he left a trail of smoke signals behind him as he sweat balls of fire.
“Thanks honey,” I said. “How are you feeling?”
“What? He answered. “I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear anything.”
He never did go to the doctor and ended up with bronchitis, pneumonia and almost death.
And so…the years go by and I learned to accept the fact that my husba
nd will never see a doctor unless he gets hit by a car while changing a blown out tire on the freeway at 5am on the day after a rainy day holiday during the middle of the week.
Oh…wait. Rewind to last Thursday.
Ya know, the 5th of July. The day after the 4th of July which happened to fall on a Wednesday that had blessed us with a rare rain storm in Phoenix.
I had just gotten off of my cell phone with my parish Priest to apologize for missing a Holy Day of Obligation because I had been trying to stop my 5 year old from burning all of my neighbors bras after she had watched, “I am woman hear me roar” on the History Channel when my husband came home 4 hours early, limping, panting and holding his side.
“Hey babe. Why are you here so early?” I asked him as I pulled a lego out of my left foot and put the fire out in the microwave oven.
“Didn’t you hear the phone ring at 5am, 6am or 6:15am?” He asked.
“No,” I replied wiping a banana yogurt off the floor, “Considering you had closed our bedroom door, took the portable phone into the living room and I got up at 7am. Why?”
“I was on the freeway, the tire blew, I started to change the tire, got hit by a car and knocked out. The guy took off and as he did, he hit the truck.”
I finally turned around and looked at my husband.
“Oh honey! Are you okay? Did you call the cops? What did the paramedics say?” I asked while I got a wet towel to wipe him off with.
“Yes, no and what paramedics?”
“Wait a minute. You got hit by a car and didn’t see a doctor?”
“What’s a doctor?” He asked and then passed out.
That’s right! Why would he call a doctor when he can just go home & let you take care of everything. As always! That Y chromosome is a doozie, isn’t it? It’s a good thing these guys compensate in other areas, huh? Gotta love em!
Mauntie
You mean I can’t throw him over the fence into the neighbors fruit trees?
That’s pretty good. Just one question though, what is a doctor?
Vince…what’s you wife’s email address? I wanna say hi
Cool!!
That’s what sons #2 & #3 said
Wow ! what a week !
I know…it was rough
Doctors may know how to treat women, but when I go, it’s pretty easy to tell that I’m just a guinea pig, and will be back at least 2 more times, before I get something that works. My wife gets the right stuff the first visit. Makes you think the doctor doesn’t listen to my description, or my description isn’t the problem.
It’s the doctor’s fault. At least…that’s what my husband always says
Sharon I am your biggest fan! I laugh myself silly every time I read your blog.
There you are!!! I’ve been wondering where you’ve been, Teresa!
What has a Y chromosome got to do with it? Clearly there is a deficiency somewhere else probably as compensation for an overactive – how many children did you say? Great story Sharon – hope your year improves.
LOL Tom! And we have 6 “)
Great story! You did a wonderful job of capturing the true essence of the male personality. It often feels like they require more care than the kids!
Sometimes…
Oh my gosh – I have no idea what I would do with six men in my home. I was able to balance it out with three girls and a boy, so we ruled
Your husband must be made of steel or believes he is. Hope your week is much better 
I only had the one girl…the stories I could tell! Oh, wait. I already do
We men are a dumb stubborn bunch. It’s the amazing women in our lives that help keep us alive and well. Your husband was extremely fortunate to have someone like you. When he’s feeling better, let him know (as a stubborn man myself) he needs see his doctor annually and any other time things aren’t right.
You rock Dana, I’m sure you’re wife is happy to take care of you too
We men are a dumb stubborn bunch. It’s the amazing women in our lives that help keep us alive and well. Your husband was extremely fortunate to have someone like you. When he’s feeling better, let him know (as a stubborn man myself) he needs see his doctor annually and any other time things aren’t right.
OMG, that’s insane! Good thing you could laugh through it. Glad to hear that he is ok, though.
I was in shock an shaking for two days…yes, he’s fine
Sharon… I could have sworn you were writing about my husband!! lol!! I love your writing… you are one talented woman!! Love reading your post… it was as if I was right there with ya! Wait! Have I said that to you before?
Blessings to you and yours.
I luv ya Carla, you know that?
Men, you gotta love them, no matter what. I can see why you wrote this and can feel for you, truly.
Thanks hun
After the last time I went to the doctor for something other than a check up…. It will be a whole helluva lot longer than a little while before i go back. First off, I quit after one. Told the wife “Hun, I’m getting snipped… is that ok with you?” Yeah asking if it’s OK if I get snipped already means I’m snipped so what?!
Sooooo…. Off to the weenie doctor I go. take the valium when I get there, lay back on the table with the bag of hot water on my nuts mumbling incoherently about something hurting my balls. I fall asleep and an hour and a half later, it’s now a cold bag of water on my balls and no doc in sight.
The valium has worn off, the bag is colder than Hillary Clintons Vajayjay and suddenly he appears… with sharp things, pointy things and every other midevil contraption my imagination could conceive.
So… what SHOULD be only a 45 minute out patient procedure has now lasted over 2 hours and we aren’t even started. He then starts playing music on his phone that my female friends listened to in the mid 90′s. By this point I’m convinced I’ve died and gone to hell….
UNTIL the bastard starks yanking and tugging on something “down there” He said something like “Cut the Vas and cauterize it” That’s when I passed out. and woke up an hour later.. music still going, doc gone with a clamp on my berries. he comes in a few mins later and says “Now, no lifting, no sex, no walking around for two days. Ice your nuts and you won’t be having any more babies.”
At that point, I was sure I was never going to have sex again, I was going to commit a felony against this doctor, and I’d never be able to say hi to the nurse in town ever again.
Moral of the story…. I’d have been better if I went to the redneck parts of town and just had Billy-bob hand me a 5th of Jack and let him go at it.
Next time I need a doctor, I’ll see what Webmd.com has to say about it then still not go.
Justin…that’s a blog post all by itself
Poor Sharon! Just occasionally we glimpse a ‘not that funny, actually’ subtext, but most of the time we don’t notice because we are too busy laughing. Your week has obviously been ‘not that funny’, but having your husband as the biggest little boy of the lot must have been frightening.I’m so glad things turned out all right
Well, he’s much better and all in all, it could have been worse. Tragedy makes great comedy
{{{ }}} Friend of mine, who is an RN, says, “Don’t ask why, it’s the Y chromosome.” I hope he is okay. I hope you are okay.
Poor little “Y” It gets the blame for so much
You mean guys can…perhaps should go to the doctor? I am so confused…
I’ll tell ya all about it someday. But first, look at phone book, pick random doctor, call and ask what their job description is…go from there
I love your blog! My wife can attest to everything you just posted, as she has had to live through most of it. I still do my own doctoring as much as possible. Why pay them what little money I have left when I can do just as good as they can? After all, I already know what is wrong with me, so I don’t have to tell me how bad I feel, right?
Well, if you know how to make yourself pee green, then yes…you can take care of yourself
Men…
My husband is still bent out of shape that he got a shot at our daughter’s one week appointment (whopping cough is at epidemic levels where I live).
I have found that the insurance nurses line is a godsend. When my husband is in bed, crippled over in pain, he will not go to the doctor’s, but will allow me to call the nurses line (in the theory that the insurance company really doesn’t want him to go to the doctor). If the nurse says go to the ER, my husband will. Once, they even sent a doctor to our house (of all things, as a cost savings option for the company). Of course, they have never said not to get seen, because he waits so long to even let me make the call.
And don’t you love the answer to “what does the pain feel like?” It is always “painful, why are you asking obvious questions?”
When my husband was hit in a hit and run, the car behind him got the license plate and description of the hitter. He waited for the police to try and find the other driver. Fortunately, he was in his big red one ton truck, so was okay. We were getting jerked around by our insurance company so I called my old law teacher (who is a lawyer). He told me to make my husband go to a doctor, which I did.
Doctor: “So, why are you here?”
Husband: “My car was hit in a hit and run, and my wife is making me go.”
Doctor: “Do you hurt anywhere.”
Husband: “No”
Some probing and prodding
Doctor: “okay, you are fine.”
Fast forward six months, the driver of the car was found, each party was given each other’s information, the other driver’s insurance company was now promptly paying for everything, and the accidental call to my husband had pass:
Other Driver: “My daughter gave me a message that I should call you about the accident I was in. Is this my insurance company?”
Husband: “No”
Other Driver: “Is this the other driver’s insurance company?”
Husband: “No”
Other Driver: “Who are you with then?”
Husband: “The Big, Red, Truck.”
Long moment of silence.
Other Driver: “Oh”
Long moment of silence.
Other Driver: “I’m sorry…”
My husband gets another call, this time from the other driver’s insurance company:
Company: “We see your truck was hit by one of our drivers a few months back. You went to the doctor, is everything okay?”
Husband: “Yes, I am fine.”
Company: “If we give you $500, would you be willing to sign a paper to that effect?”
That night, my husband said to me
“Thank you for making me go to the doctor.”
That!…is a perfect story! All the bills paid and an extra $500! And I love the lame apology from the driver
I’m honored to be told that by, well, YOU! Your stories are epic!
cool
Should I even open up a dialogue about us husbands willingness to ask directions?
If you do I’ll write a blog about it
Even in the midst of something awful, you still find humor in it somehow. Amazing! I laughed, I cried, I wet myself a little and repeated the process. Just glad the healing has begun
Ha ha ha! You crack me up sometimes, ya know that?
I don’t think I want my pee green either Darling… xoxo
LOL…you ding dong
Twisted logic. However, if Hs are Ws, then you could not stand to receive all those weird treatments. After many years on the receiving end, I can tell you that you would like to reverse back after just 5 seconds.
Only 5?
The truth is they act so brave and tough all the time but the second they even smell a Dr’s Office they courage quickly disappears. It’s not worth losing the man points:)
Seriously I think I proof my comments and I always find a misspelled word. they should be “their”
Ha ha!
Exacltly. What IS a doctor? (Hint: men fear doctors more than much anything, except certain and gruesome death.)
Maybe a woman scorned?
Oh. My. Goodness! That is CRAZY! My husband hates doctors but will go if he is sick. I am still shaking my head over this story!
aw, no worries…he’s okay
Ha Ha, are all men alike? Your blogs always give me a chuckle!!
All men? Probably not…some are doctors
Well Sharon you’re absolutely right again. Now I need a beer because I do not use doctors.
Maybe 2?
Sharon, I still can’t believe that jerk hit your husband and just took off. That’s crazy and I hope they find him. I hope he has recovered completely. My hubby is the exact opposite of yours. He will go to the dr. if he has a hang nail. It’s crazy because he’s such a man’s man, so rugged and outdoorsy and stuff. But he cannot tolerate sickness of any kind. The who world must come to a standstill if he doesn’t feel well!
Prayers for your hubby! Hugs for you!
~Erin
Hang nail, LOL!
OMG! that was insane-lol! my husband is the same way. Years ago he kept complaining of chest pain but kept calling it heartburn. Finally after about 3 days and doing yard work yet insisting he was fine, I took him to the ER and he was told he had Pleurisy – he was trying to quite smoking and was coughing so much he tore a lining in his lung. It is extremely painful! Sometimes I think we have to revert to the caveman days when WE hit THEM over the head with a club and drag them to where they need to go!
LOL…I hear ya!
Great post Sharon.
Thank you Jason
Father of 5 children and grandfather of 7 grandchildren! That’s what it’s all about. Excellent blogging! Keep On Rockin’!
Good for you!
After reading three posts, *I’m* overwhelmed, LOL! 6 kids and all that testosterone – how do you two females handle it? You could write a book on the art of not sweating the small, the medium AND the big stuff. Men and doctors – I think it’s an offshoot of their inability to ask for directions…they won’t be taking directions from a doctor either!
Hey! Good pint! Directions from doctors….hmmm