Mommy! My Barbie Melted Into Silly Putty!

20 Thoughts

moms madhouse tin“Yeah? Well…pour it in the cookie tin I’m using for all of our melting valuables.”

My daughter grabbed the tin. “When did this start?”

“After my makeup fell in the sink and melted into something that resembled a jello shooter.”

I know I’ve asked this before, but it’s worth repeating.

Why, Dear God in Heaven, oh why…do I live in a place where people comfort each other by saying, “It may be 116 degrees, but at least it’s a dry heat.”

Dry heat my ass foot…it’s so humid that my daughter’s been using the mirage on my kitchen table as a swimming pool for Barbie and Ken.

Before they melted, that is.

Everyone already knows the jokes about how it’s so hot in Phoenix that the trees beg for dogs and that Valley Fever isn’t an alcoholic drink, so I won’t go there.

Rather, I’m going to complain about 57 some odd hours of this week.

Why?

Just because…that’s why

This Monday started like any other.devil

I stepped in something wet, the cat peed on son #4′s shorts, the 16-year-old broke his tooth, son #1 needed $10, my daughter got her hair stuck in the sink faucet AFTER son #5 got his toe stuck in the toilet and son #2 spilled coke on my laptop.

See…normal.

That is until noon rolled around and I noticed a strange man with horns and a pitch fork was taking up residence on my couch.

“What’s all this please?” I asked as my sofa cushions turned into a puddle of wet fibers.

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Raising A Teenager Is Like Washing My Hair In The Toilet…

152 Thoughts

lost kids onceIt’s a waste of time, it’s messy and it never works out the way I hoped.

Truthfully, I can’t even recall when I finally realized there were teenagers in my house.

Was it when my oldest told me that I needed to stop putting a bowl on his head when I cut his hair?

Could it have been when son #2 got so hungry during his last growth spurt that I caught him trying to slice through the spoiled milk so he could have a cheese sandwich?

Perhaps it was when the 16-year-old started giving me parenting tips for the younger three kids.

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Then How Come I’m Still Eating Welfare Food?

124 Thoughts

mom girl kitchenI choked on the caramel latte I had just stolen from son #2 and gave myself the Heimlich maneuver so I could breathe again.

“Excuse me, what?”

“I said, your picture is on that computer so now you’re  famous so I should eat whatever I want, but all I see is left over beans and weenies, so why am I still eating welfare food?”

“I worry about you and your future, you know that? And for the love of Pete will you please stop telling everyone we eat welfare food? Here…have this free cookie I got from Subway last week and scoot. I’m thinking.”

And what I was thinking about, which is why my seven-year-old thought we had more food, is that something really exciting had just happened…and I was still in shock.

One of my posts was selected to appear on the Erma Bombeck humor, writers site and I’m a featured writer this month.

I was so surprised when I found out that I momentarily forgot the reason why I have so much writing material and made the mistake of telling my kids.

Why was that a mistake?cash

Because they don’t care. Matter of fact, all son #4 had to say was, “Show me the money.”

Yeah, I’d like someone to show me the money.

As I sat down and watched Mary toddle off to her room with an attitude because the cookie was oatmeal instead of chocolate chip, son #3 came out of his room with his buddies and asked when we were moving.

“Well, dad and I have the perfect place for retirement, but that’s years away.”

No, I mean the cash is coming, right?

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What Happened The Day My Son Brought Home Another Woman

103 Thoughts

about meYeah, I hated it.

And suddenly all of the mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law jokes made sense.

I also finally understood the superstition about bad luck happening when two women are under the same roof.

It’s not like my boy had done anything wrong, in fact, Tom had given us plenty of notice that he wanted to introduce us to “Alice,” the nurse and I had been looking forward to meeting this “awesome” girl for some time.

But she wasn’t a girl…she was a woman.

And it scared me.

One, because I’m still young enough to have babies and my youngest is only seven, and two because girls had been in and out of my house for  a dozen years.

“Girls”…not women.

So last weekend I watched my son and this 26 year old “woman” approached my house and my first thought was, “Who is this woman and what spell has she put on my 24 year old boy?”

As Tom came into the house with “Alice” on one arm and a bag full of food on the other, I looked at this rival for my sons affection and I realized my “womanhood” was at stake.friends coming I'll be nicest

Suddenly my son had grown up and no longer needed me to fold his underwear and fix his boo-boos.

I was so unprepared for the negative emotions flowing through me that I ended up having imaginary conversations in my head every time Alice was in my line of sight.

So the handshakes began and Tom made the introductions. “Mom, Dad…Alice. Alice, my mom and dad.”

Evil Sharon: How hard can I kick this “woman” out of my house and not go to jail?

Good Sharon: She’s lovely. No wonder my son is in love.

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Your Daddy Got Me Drunk. Again…

88 Thoughts

what makes a car goThis is now my answer for everything, and it goes like this:

Son #1 complaining about son #2. “Mom…I gave Brad the keys to my car to get my tweezer’s and he and the car have been gone for three hours.”

I’m sorry Tom, but daddy got me drunk the day I taught Brad the difference between “Go to the car and bring me my tweezers’s” vs. “Make the car go and bring me back a cheeseburger. I mean, they do sort of sound alike.”

Son #2 complaining about son #3. “Mom…Tony just took my Redken hair wax and used it all over his chest.”

I ‘m sorry Brad, but daddy got me drunk the day I taught Tony what “Wax on, wax off” meant.

Son #3 complaining about son #4. “Mom…Chris took my guitar with him to summer camp.”

I’m sorry Tony but daddy got me drunk the day I told Chris not to take anything smaller than a flute to band camp.

Son #4 complaining about son #5. “Mom…Shawn took all of my boy scout badges and gave them to little sister to pin on her dolls rear ends since she used their clothes for socks for the cat.”

I’m sorry Chris but daddy got me drunk the day I told Shawn that we don’t need no stinking badges.little girl cooking

Son #5 complaining little sister. “Mom…Mary ripped all of the eyes and teeth out of my action figures and is stapling them on her stuffed animals faces after she removes theirs!’

I’m sorry Shawn but daddy got me drunk the day I taught Mary what an “eye for an eye and a tooth for tooth” meant.

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Wife, Mother and Friend Pays Cash For Attention

grocery shop
72 Thoughts

kids the gift that keeps talkingThat’s probably the second most tragic fact of my life…I have to pay for attention.

The first being that I have flat feet.

But as I was saying, I pay my kids and husband to act like we’re a family.

I may not be able to buy love but I can buy the illusion.

Am I really the only mother who has to duck below the steering wheel when I drop off or pick my kids from school, the mall…their own home?

I’m racking my brain trying to remember when my children started telling people they were adopted off the orphan train and  I’m thinking this goes back to 1997 when son #1 told his teacher that I had died in a fire after he shoved me into the boys bathroom during Parent Teacher conferences.normal family

Could have been worse, I could have been alone in there but fortunately the other  mom who got tossed in with me was an Avon lady.

I guess paying for attention shouldn’t surprise me, considering the hospital nurses tackled my parents in the parking lot and gave them $100 to take me home with them.

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How One Mom Figured Out The Second Coming Was Closer Than Anyone Thought

79 Thoughts

prayYeah, it’s today.

Wanna guess how I figured it out?

None of my six kids are making a sound and it’s really, really weird.

Seriously, the only sound they’re making are breathing noises. And they’re all still awake, so it’s not like I can attribute the blessed silence on slumber, so it must be time for me to drop on my knees and thank all the Catholic Saints who have heard my prayers.

And here’s something that should prove there’s a God…

They’re not even looking at each other!

Son #1 came over to visit and he’s reading a book, son #5 is watching cartoons, son #4 is playing a game, son #2 is on the X-box, son #3 is working on his art and son #2 is applying for jobs.

Wait a minute! Did I just say one was reading a book and one is looking for a job?

Yeah…it’s the second coming.

Oops, I forgot the youngest…wait, where is she?

Oh, there she is. Cutting the hair off of her Barbie dolls and taping them on the eight-year-old’s Artub cleaningmy men.

God really does love me.

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