Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

125 Thoughts

dollsNo one ever told me that one day I’d get so lonely that I’d start crawling on the laundry room floor calling out, “Here socky, socky, socky…where are you socky, socky, socky?”

Or that I would take my daughter’s Barbie dolls and make fake birth certificates naming me as their mother and lining them up on the shelves in my room.

Or that I would even take to talking to the fake plants in my house, just so I had a reason to hear my own voice.

So I did some research and discovered this undiagnosed disorder is actually quite common for the SAHM and considered almost normal behavior.

Which helped me try to explain to my friend what I was going through when she came over this morning to return my hand mixer.

“I’m sad, Tammy. Matter of fact, I’m sad, lonely and depressed.”

“Is it because your birthday is coming up?”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not my birthday. Hang on a second, my son is texting me.”

“Which son?”

“Number three. He wants me to pick him up at school and take him to lunch. Anyway, as I was saying, things just aren’t meshing well anymore. I feel unnecessary, unneeded…unloved. Hold on, my son is facebooking me.”computer

“Which son?”

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A Mad Moms Work Is Never Done…Until She Shares It On Social Media

60 Thoughts

great dayAnd so begins another installment of my business being posted on facebook and tweeted on twitter.

My kid drank pickle juice and licked ketchup off a plate for lunch, so no…I don’t care that your kid voluntarily eats yolkless eggs and drinks organic grapefruit juice…
Typically I spend $200/year watching fruit turn brown and canned food pass the expiration date.

Know what makes me cry and brings me to my knees? Seedless sunflower seeds…

 

My kids are mad at me for being mad at them. Let’s see who wins by the end of the night…

 

9-year-old son: follows me to the bathroom, follows me to the laundry room, follows me to the kitchen, follows me to the kitty litter box. Me: “I need your help, son” Aaaaand he’s outta there!bad attitude

 

September 11, 2014 My husband put a new roll of TP on the dispenser in the bathroom AND he even put it on the right way. I’ve never been more in love…

“I can’t believe I told people you were a good mother!” ~ Seven-year-old after I told her I forgot to buy strawberries and Elsa bandaids.”

 

My son better get an “A” on this math assignment I just finished

Why being an adult is dumb #19. “Wow…these new dish towels and matching pot holders really brighten up the whole house!”

Just got an email from Megan1990. She says saw my picture, thinks I’m cute and wants to hook up. This is the best day of my life…

 

Havinthough counts in jailg all six of my kids together and awake in the same room is called a migraine

I cooked the perfect roast, cut it up into smaller pieces for the younger kids and strategically placed the pieces next to the fries and ketchup. Now I’m watching the kids eat ketchup

 

The 16 & 13 year old’s decided to sing a lullaby to their little sister. It went like this, “One, two Freddie’s coming for you…”

 

How I answer questions so I don’t sound stupid when the kids ask me something that’s never even crossed my mind. Question: “Is it called sand because it’s in between the sea and land?” Answer: “Well, duh!”

 

How I know I’m down to three functioning brain cells. I just had to sing the ABC’s so I could remember if ‘X’ came before or after ‘W’

 

do i look like i careSeptember 26, 2014

I’ve been worried about my memory failing lately, but then I heard “Love will keep us together” at the grocery store and realized I could sing along, so I’m fine…

FACT: The Exorcist is not based on a demon possession at all. It’s really about daily life with my daughter

Imagine two lovers staring romantically at each other just waiting for their souls to unite. Except it’s me and this bowl of ice cream.

Hours have passed since I first woke up and I’m STILL mad at my husband for something he did in my dream.

 

I hate when I’m belting out a song at the top of my lungs in front of people and the artist corrects me

I feel weird when someone compliments me and I don’t know what to say… Someone: “Sharon, you look very nice today.” Me: “I think that guy just farted…”

 

I know why the Paranormal Activity movies scare me. It’s not the demons. Nope…it’s that these abnormal people rarely watch T.V. and never listen to the radio.

 

In my ” Childless & petless Walternate Universe” I’ve just sat on an overstuffed leather recliner and not on a Dorito sandwich.

December 6, 2014 # of times I’ve worn sweat pants since mid Nov. Every day. # of times I’ve sweated wearing the sweat pants since mid Nov. 0…

Just keep beeping at me smoke detector. We both know it’s going to be at least 48 more hours before I change you.

look mom kill meDecember 16, 2014

Husband…did you know that snails can sleep for three years?
Me…Is this what you do now? Repeat stuff I said yesterday?

My son asked why I’ve been quite tonight. I told him that nobody plots a murder out loud. He looked at me and said, “Let me guess. More common core math homework for little sister?” Yup…

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Theories I Have Blown Since I Still Can’t Tell If My Family is Normal Or Brain Dead

149 Thoughts

couple in kitchenI stood at the kitchen counter today and watched son #3 down a tablespoon of cinnamon while his younger brother chewed on a two pound chunk of sugar.

Is this normal?

I called my husband over. “Joe, I don’t think our kids brains are working. Matter of fact, I’m not even sure they have brains at all.”

“Why? What’d they do this time?”

“Well, first, they began to use their mouths to make sounds which eventually turned into words. Then they were able to pull themselves to a standing position, and finally they began to think for themselves.”

I started crying. “It’s been down hill ever since…”

“Oh, I thought you were talking about something more recent.”

“Actually, I am and it all started this morning when you woke me up an hour before my eyes wanted to open.”

“I already apologized for that.”

“Yeah, I know…it wasn’t your fault you woke up and thought you saw a scorpion on my head, right?”

tool bos“Right…”

“Which also means your choice of using a plastic hammer to kill the imaginary scorpion was just your way of saving me from certain death, right?”

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Please Just Say Cheese This Time…Don’t Cut It! A Giveaway For Whiter Teeth! @SBwhitening

78 Thoughts

take care of teethWe sort of have this problem every school year when it’s time for the kids to have their $22.00, blue background, school pictures.

They come home on picture day, I ask them if they smiled and combed down their hair and at least one of them inevitability tells me they had gas and no…they didn’t smile.

I just love my kids…

As do the photographers, I’m sure.

So this year I decided to get a head of the game and started the “picture” conversation with them months ago, and it went something like this:

“Okay guys, first, no one gets to eat peanut butter, raw veggies or cheese the night before picture day, got it? And now who wants to hear about this great article I read on smile brilliants website about how teeth whitening works so we can get the smiles ready?”

The nine-year-old finished pulling his finger out of his ear to examine its contents. “I know how. We all need to stop smoking pot!”

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“It’s Valentine’s Day Honey! Take Me, I’m Yours!” Or…”Is The Cat Licking My Toes?”

175 Thoughts

dinner“Valentine’s Day is Saturday.” I announced at dinner over the weekend.

My husband glanced up from his plate. “Already? Well, I have an idea. How about you dress up like Cat Woman and meet me somewhere for lunch?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “Like that’ll happen twice. You’ve never worn head to toe leather in Phoenix, have you? The last time I did that for you it stuck to my rear end, gave me a rash and I had the neighborhood cats trying to spray me for weeks.”

Six forks fell to the floor simultaneously. “OMG! Stop it! I think I need therapy.” Said my oldest son.

“My ears are burning.” Brad said after his brother.

Son #3 ran to the bathroom holding his hand over his mouth and gagging while the younger three children announced that they’d all had a visual and were poking their eyes out.

I got up to help them gather their eye balls from the floor before the cat started playing with them. “Relax guys…how do you think you all got here? It’s not from us “not” making time for dress up.”

The oldest stood up. “Mom, I’m taking my siblings to finish dinner at In and Out…no, wait! I just had a visual too! We’re leaving for the night and we may or may not ever come back.” And they all ran to Tom’s devilcar.

I sat back down. “Well, now we can plan in peace. Well played with the Cat Woman outfit, honey. Well played. Now…where were we?”

Continue reading ““It’s Valentine’s Day Honey! Take Me, I’m Yours!” Or…”Is The Cat Licking My Toes?”” »

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The Identity Crisis Of A Mad Mom…Or ” Where’s Raoul?”

173 Thoughts

seen my sanityToday is approximately the 9785th day since I grew up…

That’s also the same number of days I’ve woken up and counted the hours until bedtime.

That’s just not normal…

I don’t know who I am anymore…

One would think a 40 something year old SAHM wouldn’t be experiencing identity problems and hiding from the world.

One would be wrong.

As my husband has said repeatedly, “All you have to do is open our front door to reach out and touch someone.”

And as I’ve told my husband repeatedly, “Eww!!! Have you ever seen the UPS guy? I’m convinced he’s the illegitimate offspring of Big Foot!”

“Don’t you realize you’re missing the opportunity to be friends with Lori, the lady with the huge lemons who makes lemonade for all the block parties?”

“How do you know how big Lori’s lemons are?”thinking

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6 Fun Ways to Celebrate Spring with Kids

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flower-287471_6406 Fun Ways to Celebrate Spring with Kids

Springtime is just around the corner and most families and getting excited for the arrival of new blooms and warmer weather. This also means that every family is anxious to start celebrating all the great things about spring. Spring is the time of year when families can begin to spend more time together outside and start planning for their summer. However, families often do not think about actually celebrating spring other than anxiously waiting it arrival.

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For Sale: Some Modesty, Humility And A Bit Of My Morals. The Cost? Just My Soul…

112 Thoughts

dressSoon after clothes were invented for the female, someone invented scissors to create three skimpy outfits for every one Bess the dress maker would create to cover the female body.

Why did this happen?

Was it for comfort so the female could ditch the corset and eat and breathe at the same time?

Or was it because these pioneering women dwelled in the same Desert in Phoenix I grew up in and were just done being drenched in sweat before they finished dressing?

Who knows…I wasn’t there.

But as I was saying, being totally bored with the hum drum look of  ankle length dresses, humanity rebelled and females turned to new challenges.

Leggings and wonderbras. Spandex and parachute pants. Bikini’s and g-strings.

The cost?

Becoming eye candy.

(Golly, what did anyone think would happen when the only thing left to the imagination was whether or not that was your natural hair color?)coke

So…news spread quickly, as it does, and suddenly moms and grandmas everywhere were taking off their bras and proclaiming their independence from “the man.”

Continue reading “For Sale: Some Modesty, Humility And A Bit Of My Morals. The Cost? Just My Soul…” »

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