I hope my New Year’s Resolution to only say nice things about people isn’t misinterpreted as a vow of silence.
Fitness Update: Broke a sweat after carrying 12 empty decoration boxes from the garage to the living room.
Due to all of the paranormal movies showing possessed kids, I now have to curb the urge to throw Holy Water at my kids whenever they wake me up in the middle of the night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAD A NIGHTMARE, TINY SATAN!
My 4th grader showed me the “A” on the homework I did for him. I mean helped him with… 😉
Today is the 9,790th day since I became an adult. This is also how many days I’ve woken up and calculated how many hours until bedtime.
Dr. office waiting room minutes are longer than other minutes…
Ever start to tell your kids a story from your youth to make a point and then realize you have to change the story since what you did was totally illegal or immoral? *Asking for a friend*
7 year old: Did you know a horse can fit in a blue whales fart bubble?
Me: What are you watching?!?
Her: The Learning Channel
Me: Hello. Direct TV? I need to cancel some channels
After 20 minutes pretending to eat cookies and drink tea, I’m thinking my daughter and her dolls are clueless and this whole tea party thing is a sham
Daughter: “Mommy, mommy! I smashed my toe and it’s bleeding!”
Me: “Oh honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?”
Daughter: *sniffling* “A burrito might help”
X-box live…the single, dumbest thing I’ve said yes to. Next to natural child birth.
The oldest moved back in so we cleaned places I haven’t seen in years and I inhaled something so ripe that several of my past lives flashed before me. I think I’m the real Zodiac and I may have killed Jimmy Hoffa…
Lies I tell online:
~ I’m sorry I offended you
~ Wouldn’t life be boring if we all agreed?
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I hate life altering decisions so early in the day. Like right now…should I eat the bland yolkless eggs, or this hostess cherry pie?
75% of the entries on my bucket list, in some way, involve Sam and Dean Winchester
Seriously…who prescribes “regular strength” ANYTHING?! “Yeah, treat me with your mediocre, middle-of-the-road-garbage…I’d love this pain to just L-I-N-G-E-R.”
I heard a song that reminded me of a time some guy broke my heart. Then I youtubed it and listened to it six more times because God forbid I miss any chance to walk down the memory lane of heartache
Husband: Why are you painting your toenails at 10pm?
Me: Cuz I have a doctors appointment at 10am.
H: You’re about to wear a paper towel and lay on a table for a person wearing scrubs and carrying metal objects in their pockets and you’re worried about your toenails?
Me: Yes…and every woman on the planet does it, so stop judging me
What happens when I drop ice on the floor:
1. Pick it up…2% of the time
2. Pretend I don’t see it…3% of the time
3. Kick it under the fridge…95% of the time
Went to the eye doctor for some vision problems. His diagnosis? “You’re old, this is how your eyes work now, stop crying and pick a pair of frames…”
*Hugging daughter after she fell…* “There, there, sweetie,”
*Daughter still crying*
“Did you just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Get over it, already!”
Me: I wish you wouldn’t do that
Husband: Do what? I’m just looking at you while I speak and breathe
Me: Yeah, that…