Sharing Moms Outhouse Updates…I Mean…Sharon Moms Madhouse Updates #FunnyStatusUpdates

120 Thoughts
fun mom not soberI’ve been out of it lately…nothing major, mind you…just “End of the world” type thoughts running through my mind.
I’ll be fine.
Okay, I exaggerated.
It’s just real life getting in the way and keeping me too busy to blog, so in order to try to convince myself that I still have something of value to say, it’s that time, once again, to share my status updates for the past few months.

I hope my New Year’s Resolution to only say nice things about people isn’t misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

Fitness Update: Broke a sweat after carrying 12 empty decoration boxes from the garage to the living room.

Due to all of the paranormal movies showing possessed kids, I now have to curb the urge to throw Holy Water at my kids whenever they wake me up in the middle of the night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAD A NIGHTMARE, TINY SATAN!

My 4th grader showed me the “A” on the homework I did for him. I mean helped him with…  😉

Today is the 9,790th day since I became an adult. This is also how many days I’ve woken up and calculated how many hours until bedtime.

Dr. office waiting room minutes are longer than other minutes…

I know I said I’m always here for you, but what I really meant was I’m tired so can we wjudgementalrap this up?

Ever start to tell your kids a story from your youth to make a point and then realize you have to change the story since what you did was totally illegal or immoral? *Asking for a friend*

7 year old: Did you know a horse can fit in a blue whales fart bubble?
Me: What are you watching?!?
Her: The Learning Channel
Me: Hello. Direct TV? I need to cancel some channels

After 20 minutes pretending to eat cookies and drink tea, I’m thinking my daughter and her dolls are clueless and this whole tea party thing is a sham

Daughter: “Mommy, mommy! I smashed my toe and it’s bleeding!”
Me: “Oh honey, I’m sorry. What can I do?”
Daughter: *sniffling* “A burrito might help”

X-box live…the single, dumbest thing I’ve said yes to. Next to natural child birth.

The oldestawesome moved back in so we cleaned places I haven’t seen in years and I inhaled something so ripe that several of my past lives flashed before me. I think I’m the real Zodiac and I may have killed Jimmy Hoffa…

Lies I tell online:
~ I’m sorry I offended you
~ Wouldn’t life be boring if we all agreed?
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

I hate life altering decisions so early in the day. Like right now…should I eat the bland yolkless eggs, or this hostess cherry pie?

75% of the entries on my bucket list, in some way, involve Sam and Dean Winchester

Seriously…who prescribes “regular strength” ANYTHING?! “Yeah, treat me with your mediocre, middle-of-the-road-garbage…I’d love this pain to just L-I-N-G-E-R.”

I heard a song that reminded me of a time some guy broke my heart. Then I youtubed it and listened to it six more times because God forbid I miss any chance to walk down the memory lane of heartache

Disappointed to see that the new high tech DVR I just got doesn’t even have a digital clock. That right there is bull crap, DirectTV
 wont forget oven if its never on
Son #3: Mom…what’s a chicken pot pie taste like?
Me: I don’t know how to explain it…
Son #3: Try…
Me: Um…like chicken?
Son #3: I don’t feel like chicken…What’s a turkey pot pie taste like?
May 13 ·

Husband: Why are you painting your toenails at 10pm?
Me: Cuz I have a doctors appointment at 10am.
H: You’re about to wear a paper towel and lay on a table for a person wearing scrubs and carrying metal objects in their pockets and you’re worried about your toenails?
Me: Yes…and every woman on the planet does it, so stop judging me

What happens when I drop ice on the floor:
1. Pick it up…2% of the time
2. Pretend I don’t see it…3% of the time
3. Kick it under the fridge…95% of the time

Went to the eye doctor for some vision problems. His diagnosis? “You’re old, this is how your eyes work now, stop crying and pick a pair of frames…”

Saying “Bye, it was good to see you” in the store really means, “I’m going to shop really fast now and all problems menpretend not to see you in every aisle.”

*Hugging daughter after she fell…* “There, there, sweetie,”
*Daughter still crying*
“Did you just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Get over it, already!”

Me: I wish you wouldn’t do that
Husband: Do what? I’m just looking at you while I speak and breathe
Me: Yeah, that…

Continue reading “Sharing Moms Outhouse Updates…I Mean…Sharon Moms Madhouse Updates #FunnyStatusUpdates” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

If Done Correctly, The Mentos/Coke Experiment Counts As Exercise @ZabadaClean

106 Thoughts

mopI wish I was making this up…but it’s a true story.

With some 21st century cleaning methods with my new mop, a little diet coke and some mentos, I just had the best arm work out of my life.

After natural child birth, of course.

Not only did this mop from Zabada provide me with arms of steel, but with it’s easy to use telescopic pole and floor cleaner head, I now have a favorite cleaning utensil and have officially tossed out my old mop.

It all started Saturday morning when I came home with some of my husband’s favorite foods for Father’s Day.

And some more toilet paper…And some liquid beverages and tasty treats for the whole family.

What was I thinking?

First thing I did before I arrived home was to call the kids and tell them I required all of them to help bring in the goodies. By the time I pulled in the driveway it turned out all of them had to go to the bathroom at the same time.

So I did what any decent mother would do…

I told them the toilet paper would stay in the Yukon, as would all of their snacks and frozen treats until they decided to help me.

Did I mention it was 113 fahrenheit  this weekend?

After they finally brought everything in, passed out and recovered from heat stroke, they all starting how are your kidscrying for something wet to quench their throats with.

I called over my shoulder on the way to the laundry room that there was plenty of soda and they could help themselves.

Continue reading “If Done Correctly, The Mentos/Coke Experiment Counts As Exercise @ZabadaClean” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

How To Survive A Marriage Crisis Or…”Hey! That’s My Toothpaste!”

130 Thoughts

Datingwedding games is fun. Being in a committed relationship is fun. Getting engaged is fun…

But marriage can suck the life out of you…

Does anyone understand that, “Till Death Do Us Part” is actually a pretty long time?

Not that sharing a toilet,  a room. a bed, a shower, a computer and kids can’t be fun. It totally can be.

As long as you enjoyed sharing everything you ever owned with your siblings too.

And so, after much contemplation and 20 years of wedded bliss, I’ve finally figured out how, “Till Death Do Us Part” will mean a natural death, and not an accidental one, for my husband.

AVOID TEMPTATION

This can be tricky since porn is everywhere, pool guys are always hot, as are Molly’s Maids, and cute co-workers exist wherever your job may be.

So…what to do?

1. Recognize that temptation is part of nature’s way (or the devil’s…same thing)of torturing you after you say “I do.”

2. Once you realize you’re normal, STOP facebook stalking your ex’s! If you require attention, fake an injury, post about it on social media and wait for all the “Get well soon’s” to pour in.marriage games

3. Remember each time you watch porn your guardian angel is watching too. (which is creepy)

Continue reading “How To Survive A Marriage Crisis Or…”Hey! That’s My Toothpaste!”” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

What I Do When Nothing Fits Anymore And My Reflection Notices @Soufeel

119 Thoughts

bathroom mirrorFirst I walk around the house covering the mirrors, windows and shiny appliances and then I burn my clothes.

Normal, right?

And this is what I was doing one day last week when my oldest son walked in on me.

“Uh…what’s going on, mom?”

“I’m destroying evidence.”

“Of what???”

“A conspiracy by all of the reflective objects in the house. They hate me and I have the proof, so I’m getting rid of the evidence.”

“Why do you think inanimate objects are conspiring against you?”

“Because they, and most of my clothes from 1987, cry out, “Run Luke, Run”  every time I walk by.”

“I can tell how out of date your clothes are if they’re crying out, “Run Luke, Run” rather than “Run Forest, Run.”

“And I’m sorry you’re my first born.”

“Okay…why do you think there’s a conspiracy?”bracelet arm

“Because nothing I own, except for my new charm bracelet from Soufeel fits me anymore.”

“I’m pretty sure you exaggerate, but so what?”

“So…each time I get dressed my clothes refuse to fit and my reflection turns it’s back on me and walks away.”

Continue reading “What I Do When Nothing Fits Anymore And My Reflection Notices @Soufeel” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

If You Want My Wood You Just Have To Ask! @woodwatches_com #JORDWatch

122 Thoughts

cleanI was on my hand and knees with my rear end sticking out from the bathroom cabinet Saturday when my husband asked what was I doing?

“I can’t find my watch.”

“So?”

“So…how can I go to your companies convention awards dinner without a watch on?”

“Well, do you know where you cell phone is?”

“Of course.”

“That tells time. Just take that.”

I sighed. “That’s just stupid, honey. How can I nonchalantly look to see if enough time has elapsed and it’s okay to leave the convention if I have to dig my phone out of my purse? No…I need to be able to casually glance at my wrist.”

“Why would you need to look and see if enough time has elapsed?”

“I can only handle a maximum of three hours of sitting at a table with people I don’t know, conversing about how hot it is in Phoenix and they wish it was March while I force myself to eat foods I can’t pronounce and nod and smile at everything your co-workers from around the country have to say so everyone will think you have the coolest, and the best looking, wife ever and you can get promoted.”

“You know you just said all that without taking a breath?”

I threw my shoe at him.

Continue reading “If You Want My Wood You Just Have To Ask! @woodwatches_com #JORDWatch” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

Who Said Getting Old Wasn’t Fun? Or…They Have Diapers For That… #ManyPaws

97 Thoughts

menopauseI remember the first time I witnessed  a woman going through a hot flash…

I sat on the couch at my boyfriends house and silently prayed the Exorcist prayer while I watched his mother throw a loaf of bread at him because he forgot to flush the toilet.

In my family we just pretend we don’t see it and ask the neighbors if we can use theirs.

A couple of years later Menopause invaded my mother’s body.

I walked in the front door and found Barb scouring though our medical text books, practically hysterical, as she tried to self-diagnose herself.

I set my car keys down. “What’s wrong Barb, I mean…mom?”

“My body is on fire and I’m leaking from all the wrong places! I think I have diphtheria!”

I gave her a quick once over. “Nope…not diphtheria.”

“How would you know?”

“Because you’re not leaking from your nose or throat, you’re leaking from your other end. Hold on and I’ll go grab some diapers grandma left last time she leaked over here.”ManyPaws

I ended up grounded for even suggesting Barb put on a diaper, but that incident stuck with me and I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the day I tried to pass off menopause for diphtheria.

Continue reading “Who Said Getting Old Wasn’t Fun? Or…They Have Diapers For That… #ManyPaws” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

I May Not Be Able To Buy Love, But I Can Buy The Illusion… @fotor_com

129 Thoughts

cant buy loveEleven months ago I wrote a post about having to pay my family and friends to pretend that they not only know who I am, but that they actually like me.

Sadly, since that day nothing much has changed…

I still give my kids five dollars each to call me mom in public, my husband still takes out $20/month from my mad money to keep pictures of me on his desk at work and I still fill up my high school Homecoming Queens gas tank so she’ll admit she’s known me since 6th grade.

So you can imagine what the conversation was like at my house when the kids found out I was using the collage maker at fotor.com.

“Uh…mom…why are all of the pictures you’ve taken since 1992 laying all over the kitchen table?”

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, Brad. You’re the second oldest child and have to set an example for your younger siblings.”

He took another bite of his apple. “Uh…mom…you didn’t answer me.”

“Because son, fotor.com is having a Mother’s Day contest through May 11th.”mom and son in kitchen

“So?”

“So, I want to win.”

Tony came into the kitchen. “Win what?”

Continue reading “I May Not Be Able To Buy Love, But I Can Buy The Illusion… @fotor_com” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg

There Goes My Life…Again…

125 Thoughts

let stress beginI used to think the alarm clock was my enemy…

Then I had kids.

“MOMMY…MOMMY! I’m starving, feed me!” And my daughter jumped on the bed, thrust a pair of scissors and a bag of gummy bears in my face.

“What time is it?”

“I dunno…The alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet.”

I turned and looked and by golly, she was right. I still had 11 minutes of slumber due to me.

“Mary, why do I even bother to buy you and your brothers eggs and pop tarts?””

She shrugged her shoulders and shook the gummy bears at me.

“This is ridiculous, don’t you realize a parent should never be woken up unless they still have at least two hours before they’re supposed to get up?”

“The only reason I woke you up is because the pizza I tried to cook is stuck to the microwave and all over the kitchen and the dog at my ding dongs!”

I groaned, rolled out of bed and stepped on the cat.

“Sorry, Satan,” I said and bent over to pet him when he lifted his tail, gave me the, “I hate you,” and arrogantly strolled out of my room.

Good thing I don’t count on him for my self esteem.son

Continue reading “There Goes My Life…Again…” »

Share me! Purty please...
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • StumbleUpon
  • LinkedIn
  • Google Bookmarks
  • Add to favorites
  • Google Buzz
  • RSS
  • MySpace
  • Blogosphere
  • Tumblr
  • Digg