Too Much Pu Pu Platter, Mom? Lose Weight Without Having To Get Pregnant!

48 Thoughts

kitchenHow many other moms have had a conversation starter like that at the breakfast table with their 15 year old?

I stopped chewing and looked at my boy, “Pu Pu, pregnancy and weight loss? Are you trying to tell me something or are you trying to ask me something? And remember, you aren’t too old to go over my lap!”

“Well, do hcg drops really work?”  ( <<<PSST…clink this link to check it out<<< )

“Now how in the Sam Hail could I possibly know, and in the meantime you better come clean. Are you trying to tell me you, your brothers or the dog have impregnated someone or something that likes to eat Chinese food, or are you telling me that I need to lay off the Pu Pu and the pregnancies? And think very carefully before you answer.”

He scratched his head thoughtfully and answered me ever…so…slowly. “Well, first of all, no one is pregnant that I know of. Secondly, I just thought Pu Pu sounded funny when I said pregnant and thirdly what I really mean is we’re learning about the body in biology and I found out HGC is produced in pregnant peoplcooke.”

I stared at him and waited for him to continue.

He cleared his throat . “Anyway mom, and by the way you’re the best mom in the world, um, so I heard that this HCG diet thing that is so popular right now has something to do with the hormone in pregnant people and the diet’s been around since the 1950′s, and well, we all know how much you like things retro.”

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The Ridiculous Status Updates/Tweets Of A Mad Mom… #humor #funnytweets

52 Thoughts

no coffee no workieno coffee no workieAnd here we are with my 67th attempt to blog something that’s meaningless and pointless and I just…can’t!

I don’t know if it’s because we ran out of coffee or because I got a call from the high school telling me son #2 farted in a ziploc, but whatever it is I can’t concentrate.

And that’s bad.

So I’m going to do something I did once before and blog some of my more amusing tweets and updates.

The criteria for being considered as amusing? Nothing…

Meet the teacher…the one day of the year you’ll see me on campus in 115 weather w/my kids just so I can get free pickles & lemonade.

Is it bad that I just spent 20 minutes walking around the house complaining that we own 17 naked Barbies?blog

Sons #2 &# 3 just gave me a dollar each. Why? Because I was singing, “I’m sexy and I know it,” as I folded laundry.

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I Can Make My Kid Look Better Than Yours Does…

27 Thoughts

imagesNow there’s a way to start a post! All controversial and stuff. I love it!

Okay, okay…calm down. I’m not talking about plastic surgery for my offspring or factory made babies over here or anything. No, I’m just referring to photo editing and I’ve found a fun new place on line to do it.

Fotor is a free online photo editing site where I’ve decided to take every single picture of me and my kids that look a bit funky and totally change them up so we look really good. All of the time.

Ya know, like tan in the winter…give all of my kids green hair, cause that’s entertainment, and make sure I look like I’m 29. FOREVER…

And you can use this site to make collages!

Now that’s always fun. Come on, who doesn’t love collages? (Now I know how some of my friends have been doing this and posting their amazing work on f/b just to show off  :)  )

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It’s My Birthday This Week And I’m Discovering It’s A Lot Like Finding The Warm Spot In The Pool…

48 Thoughts

divingIt actually feels pretty good…as long as I don’t think about it too much.

And while I’m thinking about what I want to do for my birthday this weekend, my six-year-old just asked me why I’m so old.

“Um…because your grandparents got married right after Woodstock” I said and grabbed my hand mirror to see if I’m starting to look like my grandmother.

But little Mary would not be satisfied by my simple reply.

“Wait a minute! You’re as old as Woody Woodpecker? Does that mean you can’t have anymore babies cause you don’t know how to play the right way and if’n you hurry up, I won’t need you ‘cept at baftime cause I’ll have a lil’ sister.”

“That’s nice logic dear,” I answered. “Now, hurry and pack your underwear. I just picked out your new mommy and she’ll be here soon.”

Speaking of old and birthdays…my birthday is on the 27th and I’ll be <insert coughing  older kiss my assfit> years old.

And that’s far too old to play, “What was it like to be alive before the wheel was invented.”

Matter of fact, right before I turn nun ya business, I’m noticing that I’m receiving a lot more comments on my appearance.

As if rolling over on top of another decade somehow made me either:

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Mirror, Mirror Please Don’t Frown, I Know I Look Like Farmer Brown

26 Thoughts

mirrorAnd my reflection knew it too.

Matter of fact, this is the first time in the history of me and my reflections relationship where my opposite, rather than talking with me, ended up making a gagging sound, turned it’s back on me and walked away.

And here we are three weeks later and I still haven’t recovered from that insult…

So, what happened to cause such distress between me and my reflection? Too many years of tea and coffee has made my teeth look, well, sort of like one lemon lemonade and that is just no way to try to become a MILF.

Speaking of which…my kids still give me strange looks and refuse to tell me what that means whenever I point out someone is wearing a shirt that says, “I love hot MILF’s.” But whatever that is, I know it’s not happening with anything less than pearly whites.

And just as I was contemplating dipping my toothbrush into a cup of bleach, the heavens parted like the red sea and I was contacted by Mike at www.smilebrilliant.com with an offer I couldn’t refuse.

look teeth in mirrorAnd his offer was something like this, “I like your blog and hey…why not try his product and let your readers know what you think.”

Well, how could I and my farmer Brown teeth say no to something I get to try for free? After all, this wannabe MILF is all about the free stuff.

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