Just Sign Here, Mrs. Mom…We’ll Take Care Of The Rest

98 Thoughts

mailmanI love our mailman…

And the UPS guy, and the Fed X guy…

Every time they show up I’m convinced I’m about to get something with some money it and I get really excited.

I’m also convinced that not only is the word, “Gullible” tattooed on my forehead and my rear end, but it’s spray painted somewhere on the back of my truck where I’ll never see it, but every salesman, delivery man and repair man can.

And I know they all follow me home.

And that’s not even the saddest part…

The saddest part is my family has attached a permanent morphine drip to my arm to calm me down when the doorbell rings and I correctly guess that I’m about to sign for something that doesn’t belong to me, or I’m about to buy something I never thought I needed.

Until some salesman told me I needed it.

And it usually goes something like this:

*Doorbell rings*

“Hi, Mr. Mailman…how are you?

“Hi, Mrs. Mom…I have a package for you.”door to door sales

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Beautiful Evening Dresses Available Online Now

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If it’s the end of March, it’s that time of year once again.

You know, that time where we have to buy someone a prom dress, or find something for the five different weddings we’ve been invited to.

Because someone always has to get married between April and September and God forbid we wear the same dress twice.

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A Mad Moms Work Is Never Done…Until She Shares It On Social Media

60 Thoughts

great dayAnd so begins another installment of my business being posted on facebook and tweeted on twitter.

My kid drank pickle juice and licked ketchup off a plate for lunch, so no…I don’t care that your kid voluntarily eats yolkless eggs and drinks organic grapefruit juice…
Typically I spend $200/year watching fruit turn brown and canned food pass the expiration date.

Know what makes me cry and brings me to my knees? Seedless sunflower seeds…

 

My kids are mad at me for being mad at them. Let’s see who wins by the end of the night…

 

9-year-old son: follows me to the bathroom, follows me to the laundry room, follows me to the kitchen, follows me to the kitty litter box. Me: “I need your help, son” Aaaaand he’s outta there!bad attitude

 

September 11, 2014 My husband put a new roll of TP on the dispenser in the bathroom AND he even put it on the right way. I’ve never been more in love…

“I can’t believe I told people you were a good mother!” ~ Seven-year-old after I told her I forgot to buy strawberries and Elsa bandaids.”

 

My son better get an “A” on this math assignment I just finished

Why being an adult is dumb #19. “Wow…these new dish towels and matching pot holders really brighten up the whole house!”

Just got an email from Megan1990. She says saw my picture, thinks I’m cute and wants to hook up. This is the best day of my life…

 

Havinthough counts in jailg all six of my kids together and awake in the same room is called a migraine

I cooked the perfect roast, cut it up into smaller pieces for the younger kids and strategically placed the pieces next to the fries and ketchup. Now I’m watching the kids eat ketchup

 

The 16 & 13 year old’s decided to sing a lullaby to their little sister. It went like this, “One, two Freddie’s coming for you…”

 

How I answer questions so I don’t sound stupid when the kids ask me something that’s never even crossed my mind. Question: “Is it called sand because it’s in between the sea and land?” Answer: “Well, duh!”

 

How I know I’m down to three functioning brain cells. I just had to sing the ABC’s so I could remember if ‘X’ came before or after ‘W’

 

do i look like i careSeptember 26, 2014

I’ve been worried about my memory failing lately, but then I heard “Love will keep us together” at the grocery store and realized I could sing along, so I’m fine…

FACT: The Exorcist is not based on a demon possession at all. It’s really about daily life with my daughter

Imagine two lovers staring romantically at each other just waiting for their souls to unite. Except it’s me and this bowl of ice cream.

Hours have passed since I first woke up and I’m STILL mad at my husband for something he did in my dream.

 

I hate when I’m belting out a song at the top of my lungs in front of people and the artist corrects me

I feel weird when someone compliments me and I don’t know what to say… Someone: “Sharon, you look very nice today.” Me: “I think that guy just farted…”

 

I know why the Paranormal Activity movies scare me. It’s not the demons. Nope…it’s that these abnormal people rarely watch T.V. and never listen to the radio.

 

In my ” Childless & petless Walternate Universe” I’ve just sat on an overstuffed leather recliner and not on a Dorito sandwich.

December 6, 2014 # of times I’ve worn sweat pants since mid Nov. Every day. # of times I’ve sweated wearing the sweat pants since mid Nov. 0…

Just keep beeping at me smoke detector. We both know it’s going to be at least 48 more hours before I change you.

look mom kill meDecember 16, 2014

Husband…did you know that snails can sleep for three years?
Me…Is this what you do now? Repeat stuff I said yesterday?

My son asked why I’ve been quite tonight. I told him that nobody plots a murder out loud. He looked at me and said, “Let me guess. More common core math homework for little sister?” Yup…

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“Hi Mom, I’m Coming Home!” A Post About What Happened Before “He” Moved Back In…

138 Thoughts

out of meds“Hey, honey?” I yelled at my husband from the kitchen. “Do we have anymore of those muscle relaxers I used to take?”

“What muscles relaxers?”

“You know, the ones from my car accident in March 2001?”

“Even if we did I think they expired a whole decade ago. Why?”

“Because son #1 is moving back in today.”

“That’s today?!?”

“Yep, and sons #2 and #3 are already googling how to hang themselves from the ceiling fan.”

Joe scratched his head. “Already? Tom isn’t even here yet.”

“I know, right?!? And sons #4 and #5 are in the hall bathroom fighting over which bar of soap goes in the soap dish and which one goes in the shower.”

“Has Mary complained yet?”

“She’s only seven dear, so she’s just sad that she’s the only one with a room all to herself.”

Son #3 came into the kitchen. “Why is she sad? She hasn’t even started puberty yet and she’s the only one in this house with any privacy!”

“Tony my love…she’s sad because she’s now all alone in that bedroom with a miniature cat fish who likes to suck face with the tank and it scares her.”used to care

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For A Good Time Just Call Mom

122 Thoughts

bathroomI want more money…

Just thought I’d put that out there since I have no shame.

Why do I want more money? Because my kids are sucking me dry with all of these demands for clothes, shoes, food, shelter and other crazy things like medicine when they get sick.

All of this going on while I need to remodel my bathroom.

And get more candles…

Therefore, I hereby invite any and all to come stay at the Madhouse with me and the family.

For a nominal fee, of course.

So, if you happen to find that you need somewhere to hang your hat for a day or two, please feel free to call and inquire about any temporary vacancies.

Though you may be subjected to the occasional slice of cheese or hunk of Hershey’s chocolate stuck to the bathroom counter tops or on top of the complimentary pull out sofa bed that I picked up at a garage sale.

You may even get lucky and have minimal contact with anyone if it turns out the kids are sleeping outdoors with the dog doo they forgot to throw out or the weeds they forgot to pull.

kids the gift that keeps talkingIf that’s the case then you’re almost guaranteed a room to yourself.

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Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places

133 Thoughts

dollsNo one ever told me that one day I’d get so lonely that I’d start crawling on the laundry room floor calling out, “Here socky, socky, socky…where are you socky, socky, socky?”

Or that I would take my daughter’s Barbie dolls and make fake birth certificates naming me as their mother and lining them up on the shelves in my room.

Or that I would even take to talking to the fake plants in my house, just so I had a reason to hear my own voice.

So I did some research and discovered this undiagnosed disorder is actually quite common for the SAHM and considered almost normal behavior.

Which helped me try to explain to my friend what I was going through when she came over this morning to return my hand mixer.

“I’m sad, Tammy. Matter of fact, I’m sad, lonely and depressed.”

“Is it because your birthday is coming up?”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not my birthday. Hang on a second, my son is texting me.”

“Which son?”

“Number three. He wants me to pick him up at school and take him to lunch. Anyway, as I was saying, things just aren’t meshing well anymore. I feel unnecessary, unneeded…unloved. Hold on, my son is facebooking me.”computer

“Which son?”

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