Who Said Getting Old Wasn’t Fun? Or…They Have Diapers For That… #ManyPaws

97 Thoughts

menopauseI remember the first time I witnessed  a woman going through a hot flash…

I sat on the couch at my boyfriends house and silently prayed the Exorcist prayer while I watched his mother throw a loaf of bread at him because he forgot to flush the toilet.

In my family we just pretend we don’t see it and ask the neighbors if we can use theirs.

A couple of years later Menopause invaded my mother’s body.

I walked in the front door and found Barb scouring though our medical text books, practically hysterical, as she tried to self-diagnose herself.

I set my car keys down. “What’s wrong Barb, I mean…mom?”

“My body is on fire and I’m leaking from all the wrong places! I think I have diphtheria!”

I gave her a quick once over. “Nope…not diphtheria.”

“How would you know?”

“Because you’re not leaking from your nose or throat, you’re leaking from your other end. Hold on and I’ll go grab some diapers grandma left last time she leaked over here.”ManyPaws

I ended up grounded for even suggesting Barb put on a diaper, but that incident stuck with me and I’ve been mentally preparing myself for the day I tried to pass off menopause for diphtheria.

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I May Not Be Able To Buy Love, But I Can Buy The Illusion… @fotor_com

129 Thoughts

cant buy loveEleven months ago I wrote a post about having to pay my family and friends to pretend that they not only know who I am, but that they actually like me.

Sadly, since that day nothing much has changed…

I still give my kids five dollars each to call me mom in public, my husband still takes out $20/month from my mad money to keep pictures of me on his desk at work and I still fill up my high school Homecoming Queens gas tank so she’ll admit she’s known me since 6th grade.

So you can imagine what the conversation was like at my house when the kids found out I was using the collage maker at fotor.com.

“Uh…mom…why are all of the pictures you’ve taken since 1992 laying all over the kitchen table?”

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, Brad. You’re the second oldest child and have to set an example for your younger siblings.”

He took another bite of his apple. “Uh…mom…you didn’t answer me.”

“Because son, fotor.com is having a Mother’s Day contest through May 11th.”mom and son in kitchen

“So?”

“So, I want to win.”

Tony came into the kitchen. “Win what?”

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There Goes My Life…Again…

125 Thoughts

let stress beginI used to think the alarm clock was my enemy…

Then I had kids.

“MOMMY…MOMMY! I’m starving, feed me!” And my daughter jumped on the bed, thrust a pair of scissors and a bag of gummy bears in my face.

“What time is it?”

“I dunno…The alarm clock hasn’t gone off yet.”

I turned and looked and by golly, she was right. I still had 11 minutes of slumber due to me.

“Mary, why do I even bother to buy you and your brothers eggs and pop tarts?””

She shrugged her shoulders and shook the gummy bears at me.

“This is ridiculous, don’t you realize a parent should never be woken up unless they still have at least two hours before they’re supposed to get up?”

“The only reason I woke you up is because the pizza I tried to cook is stuck to the microwave and all over the kitchen and the dog at my ding dongs!”

I groaned, rolled out of bed and stepped on the cat.

“Sorry, Satan,” I said and bent over to pet him when he lifted his tail, gave me the, “I hate you,” and arrogantly strolled out of my room.

Good thing I don’t count on him for my self esteem.son

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Who Killed The Stamp Card? Or…Technology Saved My Tongue @FrugaaDotCom #frugaa

123 Thoughts

(Today’s post is brought to you by Frugaa.com and lil’ ole’ me. This is the part where, per federal law, I’m required to announce to the whole world that I was compensated, in one way or another, for my honest opinion)

It wgreen-stampsas the ugliest decade of my lifetime.

The 1970’s…flowered wall paper in every kitchen of off white, pee yellow, dog poo brown and burnt orange.

Black and gold striped sofa’s covered in plastic and the ugliest lime, green stamps  ever created that I was forced to lick and paste on to a yellow card so my parents could accumulate enough savings for a new lamp shade

For The Love Of God…Who Was In Charge Of Color Coordinating in the 70’s, anyway?

Our family back then, all five of us, would take turns sitting on our torn bar stools,  listen to my moms Barry Manilow albums and lick the savings stamps until our tongues swelled out of our heads.

Good times…

And then one day mom came home from the store all excited.

“Guess what, guess what?”

My dad looked over at her. “Barry Manilow has a new album?”

“We’re adopted?” My brother asked.

I looked at my mom hopefully…”No,” she replied. “The stores are getting rid of the stamp cards! They’ll start doubling coupons to $1.00! Aren’t you all excited?”GreenShieldStamps

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A Woman’s Guide To The Commandments Of Strolling Down Memory Lane Properly

139 Thoughts

two womenThere are other Commandments in the worldwe’ve all heard them…but none are as important as those written by women, for women and understood only by women.

And since it is written, so it must be.

Or something like that…

Women don’t share these Commandments with each other. There’s no need for any of that.

We don’t exchange idea’s and we don’t give advise, we just nod and smile in agreement whenever we catch another woman strolling down memory lane with her list of Commandments proudly under in her arm

Because it means that all is right with the world.

Take Commandment #4 for example:

“When thou hears a song that reminds her of when some guy broke her heart, thoust must stop all activity to sing every word of the sad song at the top of thoust lungs and be sure to make proper sad facial expressions.

I was busy chopping ingredients for my special red sauce when iHeart radio pulled a fast one on me and played Restless Heart on my 80’s station. I started to skip the song when I was suddenly thrust backwards in time.sad

I quickly put my knife down, allowed the tears to flow and sang “I’ll still be loving you” at the top of my lungs.

And got caught by the kids when they came home.

Commandment #3:

When thou gets caught singing a heartbreak song by thoust children, avoid answering questions and deflect.

Continue reading “A Woman’s Guide To The Commandments Of Strolling Down Memory Lane Properly” »

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My Conversation With The Devil. Or…What Happened When I Went To Therapy

143 Thoughts

repressRosanne the therapist, or Satan, as I call her, folded her hands and studied me.

So I studied her back.

We did this for five minutes before she asked, “So…why are we here today?”

You’re here because you’ve got fifty of my dollars and I’m here because my memories aren’t staying repressed.”

“And why do you want your memories repressed?”

“Um,” I said sarcastically. “So I won’t remember them?”

“Why don’t you want to remember them?”

“Seriously!?! Did I just pay you to ask redundant questions? Can’t you just give me a pill or something so I can leave?”

Rosanne sat back. “Do you really think a pill is all you need?”

“According to the internet there’s a pill for every need.”

“I get the feeling you’re avoiding your problems.”

“One day I’ll be dead and won’t have any problems.”

“Let’s try this. If you could go back to any time in the past and change something, what would it be?”

I scratched my head. “I’d eat more chocolate, drink more coke, ditch the lemon water, salads and kale.”

“Why?”

“Why not? The only people who care what I look like are other women who look me over to make sure they’re hotter used to carethan me. Plus I’ve been married twenty years, I have six kids, I’m 40 something and I like chocolate. It makes my taste buds happy so who am I trying to impress by eating roughage?”

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Price Differences in Vaping vs. Actually Smoking

1 Thought

luckyCigarettes are getting pricier every day, and smokers are jonesing for a solution. There is no end in sight to the perpetual cost increases that are rocking the cigarette industry; luckily, an affordable alternative has risen in the form of e-cigarettes. This guide reveals the savings that can be enjoyed simply by making the switch.

Reasons to Stop Smoking Continue reading “Price Differences in Vaping vs. Actually Smoking” »

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