What Is A Stay-At-Home-Mom? A “How To” Guide Expecting the Unexpected

86 Thoughts

old-computerThis is not a tale of a fateful trip aboard a tiny ship, (God please. let them know I’m referring to Gilligan’s Island. Please don’t let me date myself on my blog) nor is this a tale of the obvious about SAHM’s.

Everyone already knows that your typical SAHM is anything from an unpaid, peanut butter and jelly sandwich making bottom feeder, (<— That comment from my favorite group of women’s libbers) to an unappreciated plumber.

So I’m not going to bother with the obvious, instead…for your reading pleasure…I’m going to introduce you to the world of the unexpected expectations of the stay-at-home-mom.

#1.  You are now the official babysitter for the entire neighborhood and all of their friends.

        Example: “Hi Sharon, it’s Mable from around the corner and down the street about 37 blocks from your neighbor Gertrude. I was wondering if you could babysit my identical triplets so I can get my andirons polished.

         Answer: “Why not? I’m already watching aunt Rita’s great-grandaughters best friend’s cousin’s adopted son.

#2.  Expect to be the official royal taste tester to all of your little grand viziers.

        Example: “EW! Mom…This orange is fuzzy! Taste it and tell me if  it’ll kill me. Oh, and sister won’t take the bubble gum medicine. She likes grape.” need positive and knife

         Answer: Daughter, watch mommy take the medicine…yummy! And son, since I can hear that orange calling you names may I suggest you burn it.”

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“But Mom! It’s Still 500 Degrees Outside!”

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katie and jacketBe that as it may, I insist that you put this on right now and smile pretty cause mommy wants to take some pictures.”

And with those words, “I want to take a picture,” my daughter immediately stopped her tantrum and smiled pretty.

Please just ignore the fact that her hair isn’t brushed, her nightgown is still on and the mess in the living room.

Thank you.

What we have here today for your viewing pleasure is a jacket sent us to from Magnamini.com.

Why did they send us a jacket?

Because they wanted our opinion on their button-less jackets.

Did you catch that?

Button-less!

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Family Game Night…Time To Put Granny’s Monopoly Away @na2ure

21 Thoughts

tiddlywinksGAME NIGHT! How we love game night over here.

Except for  “Global Thermonuclear War.” That can be bad.

Why?

Because #1. It sure ain’t tiddlywinks and if your kids play it the way mine do, you won’t have any plates left to eat off of.

But you sure will have lots of holes in the walls.

And #2. Having anything thermonuclear in your house is illegal.

Or so I’ve been told.

So what is one to do when the kids complain that they’ve played every video game invented, watched every youtube.com video ever uploaded and have seen every cartoon ever drawn?

Go to na2ure.com and show them something they’ve never seen before.

No, no, no…you’re not going through Falken’s Maze!

You’re going to play with animal tiles. And I promise…it’s much safer than global thermonuclear war.

And none of your dishes will be destroyed.

The idea behind the game is to ‘build’ as many animals as you can. Each player gets seven tiles and will draw new tiles as they play.

Easy peasy.game night

The idea is to put together the anatomical parts of an animal.

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If You Like Someone Secoind Guessing Your Every Move…

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be a parent theyllmove out soonerThen by all means, have kids. Have lots of kids because when you only have one you’re missing out on all of the fun.

And for those who want half a dozen or more, well, bless your little souls. I guess watching Eight is Enough or 19 kids and counting just wasn’t very clear, so let me try since I own a six pack.

Multiple children are a blessing and a permanent headache.

They’ll also be reason you keep spare toilet plungers.

So…what’s the first thing to expect when you add child #2 to your family?

Jealousy. Lots of jealousy.

Your oldest child will be jealous of the attention the baby gets, your spouse will be jealous of the attention the baby gets, dad will be jealous that baby sees more boobs than he does and mom will be jealous when everyone else is sleeping.

The next thing to expect?

Memory lapses.

You used to know what day it was but now you have to check your child’s lunch calender, your cell phone or by checking the menu button on your DirectTV.mommy has headache play in traffic

Now…What was I just saying? Oh yeah…something about memory.

The third expectation?

For the first time in your life you have to tell your friend on the phone to hold on while you grab the safety scissors from child #1 as they attempt to cut the baby out of the playpen.

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How “NOT” To Sell Yourself According To A Mad Mom

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about meBefore I dive into this un-scientific post of mine I suppose I should begin by saying that these are my issus.

That’s right. Mine.

And according to me people lack modesty.

Oh sure, sure, we can go on about wet tee-shirts and plumbers crack shorts, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

What I’m talking about and what makes my eyes twitch is bragging and showing off.

Yes, good ole fashion bragging makes me want to throw jell-o shooters at people.

Like this. Example #1: “Uh, hello…my fellow Americans. Uh, I’m here with some all-stars and well, I’m just not used to being anywhere where I’m like the fifth most popular person in the room.”

Just typing that gave me the heebie-jeebies.1950s-Housewife-Prison-Tats

But more to the point, I’m referring to people who take it upon themselves to tell me how much I’m going to enjoy being in their presence.

Ya know, like when you’re stuck in a elevator with that ho from human resources and she says, “Well, thank your lucky stars you’re here with me because just wait until I tell you about how many guys wanted my phone number this weekend .”

I kid you not, I know somebody who does this.

And then there’s the school teacher who reminds me how fortunate we are to have her teaching my children because she makes learning fun.

I guess she hasn’t noticed how many kids fail her music class every year.

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Let’s Go Watch Uncle Jehoshaphat’s Slide Show Of The World’s Largest Unicycle. Again…

69 Thoughts

cameraI would be sad to find out that not everyone is so lucky to have an Uncle Jehoshaphat in their family.

Why?

Because the thought that I may be the only living person on planet earth that has to look at every picture taken since WWI by a man who was born before prohibition, troubles me.

Like last year, as per Uncle Jehoshaphat’s usual  modus operandi, he stopped by unannounced on his way to Buttzville, New Jersey to show us his latest collection of pictures and bore us into a coma.

Again…

Oh, and there was the 37 minute intermission where we all went outside to see where the bear he was stalking did some business on his bumper.

Good times, Uncle. Good times.

So…being the kind hearted niece that I am I decided to put together something entertaining for the next visit from the man with the portable slide show player and find a way to keep him from having the chance to show me the world’s largest unicycle and smallest men’s washroom.

Because much as I love him, I just can’t muster up enough enthusiasm to even pretend that I care.carmera 1

And in my quest to find a fun photo editor for my future feature presentation I remembered a post I had done for Fotor and recalled they had mentioned that they were working on slideshow creator.

Whoo Hoo! My own slideshow!

Watch out Uncle Jehoshaphat…

I’m a firin muh lazer!

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Today I Decided To Count My Blessings. There’s A Minute And A Half I’ll Never Get Back @healthymama_

86 Thoughts

thinkingNot that I don’t have a ton of blessings or things that I’m thankful for. I totally do…

It’s just that they’re so ordinary.

You know how it goes. The scale in your bathroom cries whenever you walk by and some head hunter emails you with a job opportunity to be a human scarecrow, so before you succumb to the throws of misery you decide to sit down and write your list of blessings and things your thankful for.

To help prevent you from bungee jumping without the bungee.

And I was a little sad to see that my list is just so…normal.

Because when I completed my task it looked like this:

Blessings:

1.  My husband and kids still talk to me.

2.  I never had hammer toe.

3.  I have my tonsils.sits

4.  Only one fan broke this summer.

Continue reading “Today I Decided To Count My Blessings. There’s A Minute And A Half I’ll Never Get Back @healthymama_” »

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